Keeping Up With The Joneses

But first...

2011-09-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Summer is over. Well, technically, it's not, but the school calendar would beg to differ. Today, I sent four of my babies out of the nest for another year of learning (the first time I typed that, I accidentally spelled it 'lerning'...good thing they're not homeschooled...). My eldest, Luke, made the leap from the small pond of elementary school, into the bigger pond of middle school. Wow, was there ever a lot of anxiety over that! Panic, tears, frustration...and that was just Mom! :) Seriously, he was SO ready and SO excited. And he had a great first day, only forgetting his lunch bag in his locker at the end of the day. He's excited about joining a Robotics team that uses Legos to make an entry for a competition. He wanted to leave a little early to walk to the bus stop this morning so he could 'meet some of the other kids there'. I'm a proud mama.
My biggest girl is now a 4th grader, but wasn't nearly as excited about this new year. You see, she's got a teacher that she's a little intimidated by. Luke's former 4th grade teacher. She's a great teacher. However, when Luke had her, I was in the deepest part of the pit, and I was not the mom I wanted or needed to be. Luke was having difficulty with a few things, and she didn't go easy on him (which I am glad for). In Luke's words, she was 'strict'. In Annaliese's words, "She's mean!". This girl has been so worried all weekend about this, so last night we had a little talk.
A: "Mom, what if she only thinks of me like I'm Luke's sister and thinks that she needs to be strict with me?"
Me: "Well, if she's a good teacher, she won't think of you as 'Luke's sister', and she'll treat you like any other student. She'll get to know you and help you with any areas you might struggle with."
A: "So I'm not Luke's sister anymore?" (a little too excitedly) :)
Me: "No...you're still his sister, but first you're Annaliese."

I started thinking about something after this conversation. How often do we feel self-conscious about ourselves based on what we think others will think about us? Or what we think they'll think about the people we associate with (or are related to!)? To me, the bigger question should be "What does God think about me?" I may try my hardest to have it all together, to try to be someone I'm not. But God doesn't care if my house is a mess or if I can't seem to stay on top of the laundry. He doesn't care if I make perfect gourmet meals for my family or wear a size 6. He looks at me and says "You're still Amanda, with all your ripped seams and tattered edges. But first, you're My daughter."

Where have I been?

2011-06-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

This may be the first summer I've really faced with excitement and not anxiety. As I've filled in our various activities on the calendar, I've had a lightness in my heart, an anticipation of making fun memories and enjoying having my kids home for a few months.

If you know much about me, you know that the past two summers haven't been that pleasant for us. Two years ago, I was rapidly spiraling downward into the place I call "the pit". Last summer, I was climbing my way out. This year, I feel like a different person, and am so thankful for that.

But even in the midst of all this, there is an undercurrent of sadness. I have been noticing lately how much my kids are changing, how much I seemed to have missed.

Luke, my sweet firstborn, is done with elementary school now. He's turning into a young man more and more each day. Where have I been?

Annaliese, my feisty, beautiful girl, is changing so much. "The" questions are coming at a rapid pace, and I try not to panic when I think of what's around the corner. Where have I been?

Adam, my shy little man, has broken out of his shell, and has added 3 inches to his frame in the past 18 months. Where have I been?

Sam, silly Sammy-boy, is entering the world of 'real' school in the fall. His legs look longer to me, too. Where have I been?

Tess, my 'almost-3-going-on-13-year-old' is not a baby anymore. I was looking back at pictures from the past few years, and I don't remember a lot of those moments. Where have I been?

The sadness comes from this, it seems. The loss of these years because of the thief called depression - the fog that surrounded every day, week, and month.

I used to beat myself up over the fun we weren't having, telling myself that my kids deserved so much better. There's nothing I could have done to control that, and I've learned to move forward. It's not an easy guilt to free yourself from. But tonight, I found myself reading from Joel 2, and nodding my head in affirmation:

23 Be glad, people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God,

for he has given you the autumn rains

because he is faithful.

He sends you abundant showers,

both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

the great locust and the young locust,

the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]—

my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,

who has worked wonders for you;

never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,

that I am the LORD your God,

and that there is no other;

never again will my people be shamed.

Did you catch that? All is not wasted. There are valuable lessons for even my children in what I endured. And those years will be restored. I'm still here, able to be fully present in the lives of my kids, and excited to see what is to come. Hallelujah!

Selfish

2011-05-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

I'm shocked that it's really been this long since I last blogged. I guess I feel like I have an ongoing post in my head at all times, but I forget to get it out through my fingers. :)

Before I get 'deep', I have to say things have been good. Really good. Like "I can't believe how happy I am" good. Yes, there were some days a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling pretty down. But with a lot of prayer and a few tears, I got through it. The weather was so dreary, and I think I missed a day of my meds, and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling downward. The minute I felt 'off', I panicked. "Oh no.", I told myself, "not again.". I asked a few friends to start praying, and within a few days, I was back on track. Phew! Things are good. :)

BUT.

There's always a 'but', isn't there?

I am sick of me. I'm selfish. Not in an "I exist, therefore I deserve" way, but a more subtle way. The "I can't believe all I got was lunch and cards for Mother's Day" way. I had quite the pity party after reading status updates on Facebook from my friends, joyfully recounting how special the day was. And why? Because I deserve so much more? Why am *I* so special?

Yesterday, I found out that the 4 year old daughter of a former high school classmate was struck by a car and killed earlier in the afternoon. One day after Mother's Day, this precious little girl left this earth, leaving behind a family who will never be the same.

It puts things into perspective.

What makes me a mother is not the accolades, gifts, special treatment, or a 'Day' to be celebrated. It's the privilege I have (that I often take completely for granted) to watch my five not-so-little blessings grow, for as long as they are on loan to me from the Lord. It's seeing three of my precious kids on the platform at church, prompting our church body to worship the God that created us. Watching Tessa do all the motions and sing her little heart out. Watching Sam be shy and not sing along at all. Watching Luke stand with a group of his buddies around a microphone and sing praises to our God. It's smiling when Annaliese asks me, "Mom, can you tell me how I'll find true love like you and Daddy?". It's my heart melting when Adam tells me that I'm a good 'cooker' as he wraps his arms around me and plants a big kiss on my face.

I have failed in so many ways at this calling of mine. The laundry doesn't get folded and put away as often as I'd like. The piles of clutter don't get put away, they just multiply. I lose my temper and yell. But, I am blessed beyond what I deserve...and that is a gift that just can't be wrapped.

JOY-full

2011-01-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're on the verge of tears, but it's because you're so full of joy? I've felt that way for weeks now, and it's been amazing. It has taken me awhile to sit down and write this post. I think part of me was afraid the joy would be short-lived (not that short-lived joy is any less a gift than any other joy!) and I didn't want to post something that wasn't real. I've come to realize, however, that any joy is real JOY, and it should be embraced and celebrated!

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit...You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 92:1 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Right before Christmas, I spent a day with a friend. She has seen me at what I thought was my best, and what was definitely my worst. I shared with her how I'd been feeling and told her that I honestly felt like everything was being restored. My marriage was in a good place, my relationships with my kids were in a good place, friendships that had been splintered were being mended...I really felt like God was making things new. She told me she could tell that was true just by looking at me. Gone were the hunched shoulders, the dull eyes, the sad countenance. Hearing her say that was such a gift! When people look at me, I want them to see Jesus and what He has done in my life...not a poor reflection of His love, mercy and grace. Circumstances of life will not always be what we hope for. We will have trouble in this world...it's guaranteed. BUT, there can still be JOY!

I am discovering a new found joy in almost every aspect of my life right now. God is so good. To think of where I've been and where I am now...it is amazing. I am learning so much about Him and His faithfulness. His gifts to me are so undeserved. I am so incredibly grateful for the husband He chose for me. My five kids (although often a lot of work!) are precious gifts from Him, as well. My extended family, my friends, my church family...anyone who has given a hug, shared a kind word, prayed for our family...I am so grateful. Thank you for loving me for who I am, and for sharing in my joy as I become what God created me to be.

For now, peace

2010-11-09T12:24:00.001-08:00

Thanks to those of you who have encouraged my heart after reading my last post. It is good to have this place to work my thoughts out and to receive feedback. Thank you!

One of my friends shared this with me, from the old hymn "Be Still My Soul". Here is the song in it's entirety, emphasis added by my friend:

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-18971.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(And no, my friend...the irony was not lost on me that you sent me a SONG, when singing is the problem!) :)

One thing she said to me was that we think our hands are open to God...for him to give and take away what He deems fit. But, sometimes our hands are not fully open, and we need to give him the GOOD things too...maybe even the very thing we use to praise Him the most. What my friend said that struck me the most was this: "Yet, to give up what I determine to be GOOD and have it replaced with something from His own fullness? That is what I want!!" Can I get an AMEN????

This morning, I was wide awake at 530. I was not ready to leave the warmth of my cozy bed, so I lay there, talking with God (quietly, though...didn't want to wake Jared!). I asked God lots of questions..."Why is this happening?", "When will You heal me?", "Will I ever be able to sing normally again?", "What is the deal with my jaw?", "When am I going to catch a break?". As I asked, I heard Him answer. "I have searched You, Amanda, and I know you...I knit you together in your mother's womb...you are fearfully and wonderfully made...I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...trust Me...I will put a new song in your mouth...a hymn of praise to ME". I can't say that I've ever had an experience quite like this before. It was so peaceful, like I was just letting His words roll through my head, over and over. It reminded me of the way a parent soothes a fussy baby...rocking back and forth, patting their back, lulling them to sleep. And He lulled me back to sleep, my heart peaceful and quiet. When I woke up for good awhile later, it almost seemed like it had been a dream.

I am so thankful to have had that this morning. I will still wrestle with uncertainty. I will still grow very frustrated with my pain. But for now, I have peace.

Am I losing my voice?

2010-11-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

As you might remember, I injured my jaw in June. For years I've had some issues with my TMJ, lots of popping and clicking. Sometimes it would pop out of place with a yawn, and I'd work it back in right away. Well, on this particular day in June, I yawned, it popped, but I couldn't get it back in place. I tried for hours, off and on, but nothing worked. After talking to my dentist (my former boss), and trying a couple different maneuvers, I went to the ER. The dr. there referred me to an oral surgeon. After a consultation, I decided to forgo the surgery and try a natural approach first. I've been wearing an orthotic appliance for a couple of months, and it's definitely helped with the pain. I have more opening ability, but still cannot open far. It's a huge challenge to eat sometimes, and now there is a new complication. I can't sing. Well, I can sing, but I can't SING.
Those of you that know me well know that singing is a huge part of my life. I have loved music since I was little. I have been part of our church's choir for several years, taking brief breaks when babies were born, and during the darkest parts of my depression. When we started back up again this fall, I was so excited. God had put a new song in my heart after I climbed out of the pit, and I was so thankful to be able to be part of the group that prompts others to worship our amazing God. When God works in your heart like He has in mine, you can't help but want to share it in a meaningful way...music is my avenue of sharing that.
The past few times I've sung, I've noticed more pain. And today it got worse. I ended up having to leave the service after we sang to ice it.
You might be thinking "so what?". But this is very hard for me. I feel like I just got my song back, and now it's possibly being taken away from me again? How long until this dumb jaw of mine is normal again? When will I be able to eat the foods I enjoy, be able to talk normally without an appliance altering my speech, be able to give volume to my speech without added pain?
I've tried so hard to be patient in all of this...but now I'm scared. I do not want to lose my song. I know I can't really LOSE it, but I need to be able to express myself in this way. Sometimes, cranking up the stereo/ipod/etc and singing at the top of my lungs is the only way to do that...fully express the emotion in my heart. I want so badly to know how long this will take. I know God will teach me something through this, but honestly, I'm tired of being taught! :)

Blessed

2010-10-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to blogging! I love to read everyone elses' blogs, but I rarely take the time to sit and update my own. Most of what I would post ends up as a Facebook status (much less verbose!). :)

The end of September saw our first hospitalization for Annaliese in one year. Her last one was in North Carolina last year while we were on vacation, and that one was the fourth in 3 months for her. We're SO thankful for the year she was able to avoid the hospital! This time around, she caught a virus that knocked her down hard with her asthma. We had gone to Urgent Care, but they were unable to get her O2 level up enough, so they sent us to the ER downtown. We knew she'd be admitted, but this time was different. She needed a continuous flow of Albuterol, so they admitted her to the Pediatric ICU. Not something we'd ever experienced before. As always, the staff was wonderful. We are so blessed here in West Michigan with the abundance of readily available, high quality medical care. She needs to follow up with the Pediatric Pulmonologist in a couple more weeks, and we're changing up her asthma action plan a bit. She'll also be starting allergy injections soon, as we found out a few months ago that she is allergic to a LOT of things (mostly environmental).

While we were at the hospital, I realized I hadn't taken my medication for at least a day, most likely two. That, for me, is NOT GOOD. A couple of days later, I spiraled downward very quickly. I felt almost as low as I did back in March, and I was terrified. Through a lot of prayer and encouragement from friends and family, I made it back out of the pit. After talking with my counselor, I realize this was just a 'bump in the road'. I am so thankful it was quick, but it was painful. I felt like I just could not function. I had no motivation to do anything, but kept putting one foot in front of the other. I'm still a bit behind in the housekeeping department, and I have some projects I'd like to tackle, so Jared's mom is coming tomorrow to help us out for the week so I can get back on top of things. One of the main challenges these days has been Tessa the Tornado. She is a non-stop mover, and frequently destroys anything in her path...makes it very difficult to accomplish much. :)

Even though things have been a little challenging, I'm constantly being reminded of all the blessings I've been given. I have a God who loves me and forgives me every time I act in a way that isn't pleasing to Him, who shows me mercy and grace, and who cares about the desires of my heart. My children are healthy (and when they're not, we have access to care that many others in the world do not). I have a husband who loves the Lord, me, and our children (in that order), works hard to provide for our family, and loves me faithfully no matter what. We have extended family that love us and pray for us daily. We have a church family that walks alongside us down every path God takes us. I have friends that hold me accountable for the choices I make, and who encourage me to be the woman God wants me to be. I AM BLESSED!!!!!!! It's so easy for us to say "Why me?" whenever the tough times come along. I know...I've done it MANY times. But I'm choosing now to see the good that comes out of the tough times. And there is always good.

How about you? What has God blessed YOU with?

Groupon

2010-08-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing about Groupon for the past several weeks, but didn't really think much of it...until I saw the deal today. $50 at GAP for only $25. Yeah, couldn't really pass that up. :)
The way it works is this: Groupon offers a specific deal each day. If enough people indicate that they want to purchase it, it becomes activated. If not, it goes away. Some of the offers are for local businesses. Others are bigger, like GAP.
If you're interested in signing up, would you consider using my referral link? I can earn $10 for each person that joins by using my name...and that helps a lot with our large family. Click HERE if you'd like to do so. Thanks, and have fun! :)

A few things

2010-08-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

What a crazy few weeks we've had! Shortly after my last post, we loaded up the kids and headed out West for a week-long reunion with Jared's parents, siblings, and nephews. It was the first time we've all been together in about 2 1/2 years, and we had a great time. We all stayed at Jared's parents' home in Fraser, CO, just outside of Winter Park. There were 16 of us under one roof for the whole week and it was busy! Our days were filled with playing, swimming, riding bikes, hiking, and chasing kiddos around. The kids were sufficiently worn out by the end of each day and usually went to bed without any complaining. We arrived home Saturday at midnight and have been trying to catch up on things here. It's good to be home.

I've continued to feel pretty good emotionally. God is continuing to work in my heart and make me more dependent on Him. I've had a few lonely days this week, and each time I felt down, He would send someone to encourage me with a phone call or Facebook message. Today I received a package in the mail - a devotional book called "Divine Design" by Sharla Fritz. I won it in a giveaway hosted by my blog friend Cindy Bultema at "She Sparkles". What perfect timing! I can't wait to dig in and start reading. Thanks, Cindy!

Most of you know I started a running program earlier this summer. It's the Couch to 5k program, and I LOVE it! I have never been a runner before. I hated it. When we had to do a mile run around the track in high school PE, I almost passed out. It was torture. And I was 'in shape' then! :) I started week 5 when we left for Colorado, and I was worried about not being able to run out there. I did try, but the altitude made it impossible for me. I decided to jump back in when we got home, and I did day 2 of week 5 on Wednesday. I knew I'd head over to the gym again today to do day 3, but I had NO idea what the workout was going to be. It's usually an alternation of walking/running for a few minutes at a time. The most I've done is 8 minutes of running, and that was just this week. Imagine my surprise when I hopped on the treadmill and loaded the C25k app on my iPod and saw today's workout: 5 minute warm-up walk, 20 minute run, 5 minute cool-down walk. Twenty minutes of running?!?!? With NO walking breaks?!?!? I felt so defeated right away, thinking "there is NO way I can do this". But guess what? I DID IT!!! It was tough, and a few times I could hear myself say "take a break", but I would NOT give in. As the voice prompt on the app gave me my 'how many minutes left' updates, I kept pushing myself. "You are halfway done...10 minutes left", "Five minutes left", "Three minutes left", and finally, "One minute left"...I felt so empowered! As the voice told me "cool-down", there were tears welling up in my eyes. I felt like I had crossed this imaginary finish line and it was exhilarating. Now I know there's still a ways to go in my training. A 5k will take longer than 20 minutes. But I did it...and I am very proud of that fact!

Healing

2010-07-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile! I’ve missed this outlet for my thoughts and feelings, but didn’t feel it was an appropriate time to share them until now. I just re-read my previous post and remember thinking things couldn’t get much worse than they’d been. I was wrong.

Within a few days of that last entry, I was inpatient at a local mental health facility. It was a scary time, but I needed to be in a place where I was safe and could focus solely on myself and getting better. Satan had more than one field day with me during that time. I was consumed with thoughts of worthlessness, anger, resentment, fear. I tried to think of ways I could end my life. That scared me into getting help. The week in the hospital didn’t cure me, but it certainly helped get me on the right track towards healing. I was started on a new medication and learned a lot that week about severe depression and how to live with it. After I was discharged from the inpatient program, I spent a week in partial-hospitalization and continued getting the help I needed. After that week, I was connected with a wonderful counselor at the Christian Counseling Center. My previous therapist was a great person, but wasn’t helping me change my thought processes. My current therapist is a licensed psychologist and has provided me with a constructive environment in which to share my feelings and do the work necessary to heal.

A lot changed for me in the weeks following discharge. It was a difficult and painful adjustment at times, but through a lot of prayer and hard work, I know that I am right where God wants me to be...in HIS hands (where I’ve been all along!), and I’m not fighting it anymore. I spent a lot of time being angry at God. Why would He allow me to be so miserable? Why would He put my family through this? Why, if He were truly good, did He let this happen? The answer to that, I’ve been reminded over and over, is that this isn’t the way He intended things to be! We live in a fallen world. Nothing is perfect. As long as we live in a sinful world, we will have troubles. None of us are immune to them. I look around me and see suffering everywhere... two children in our church who don't have a dad and just lost their young mom, my 35 year old friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, marriages struggling to survive (mine was one of them during the last couple of months), people losing jobs...it’s EVERYWHERE and we are all affected by it in some way or another.

About two weeks ago, I felt as though the cloud had lifted. I had felt this way before, briefly, but not to this extent. I was in church on a Sunday morning, and (as best I could with a still-messed-up TMJ), sang along during the worship service. I hadn’t been able to even sing during these past months...and if you know me, that’s a HARD thing to have ‘taken away’! It felt so good to finally be able to sing the words to those songs and mean them.

I’ve found so much joy in life the last couple of weeks...joy that I thought I’d never feel again. Things are not perfect, by any means, but I have learned how to work through the difficult moments instead of feeling overwhelmed and defeated by them. I’m re-connecting with my kids, my husband, my friends, my church family. I have so missed being ‘present’ in my own life. I am so thankful that God brought me through the storm (and I find it ironic that I used to sing “Jesus Bring the Rain” over and over, and when He did, I was mad about it!). God is good, friends...all the time.

The Long Winter

2010-03-25T10:55:00.001-07:00

I have wanted so many times to sit down and write, but I just couldn't do it. So much has happened in the last several weeks, and as much as I wanted, I just couldn't make myself 'go there'. I had so longed for my story to be one of victory and revival, but that hasn't come. I tell myself (and others) that that is ok...I'm not in a hurry for God to work His ways in me. Yet, I find myself calling out like David, "How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. " How long? How long?????

A new season is beginning to announce its arrival with warmer days, more sunshine, and the beginnings of tiny buds on the trees, yet my heart has felt increasingly barren. I have felt hopeless, sleepless, worthless, and restless...I have felt "less" than I should. It seems like the long winter has stretched on in my heart, even as new life springs up around me. Hundreds of things call out for my attention each day, and I feel too inadequate to even try to meet the needs of those around me. These precious kids that I love so much are suffering because of my suffering. My husband, this man I love more than I ever thought I could, is struggling because of my struggling. Tension runs high in our home and I hate it. I hate that this is happening because *I* am sick.

Some changes are coming for me in the area of counseling, and possibly medication as well. It's scary and unsettling. I know I'm not alone. I know my family and friends love me and am humbled by the way they've shown God's love to our family. I know God is there. But I'm scared. How long, Lord? When will this be over? Will it glorify You for me to be set free from this? Will it glorify You more for me to learn to be long-suffering, and patiently learn to live with this as a constant companion? I am so confused. My mind races. I don't sleep. I long for rest. I long for peace. I long for healing. And yet I remember how David ended his plea. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."

Motivated Mama

2010-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Most of you know I've been on 'Operation: Clean This House' around here lately. We've gone through each room and pitched a TON of stuff. (In some cases, pitching means donating.) It has felt so good to see the cloud of clutter lift off this house! The whole lower area is staying clean and I feel SO much less overwhelmed. This is a GREAT feeling. :)

One of the things I struggle with is trying to figure out how to keep it all clean without having to clean a whole room each day/every day. Jared has suggested a schedule to me many times, but just the thought of planning out a schedule makes my head spin. Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me THIS link, so I checked it out. Wow...this is just what I needed. The planner has a column of daily chores that need to be done (with cute little boxes to check off when you've done them...love checking off boxes!), and a column of other things broken down throughout the week. For example, each day, there's a box to check for making beds, loading/running/emptying dishwasher (wish there were a box for EACH of the dishwasher steps, but, there's only one, :) ), and doing laundry. In the weekly column, there are chores like making a shopping list, cleaning the toilets, cleaning out your purse, or cleaning a shelf in the fridge. These ones are on a rotating basis so you don't necessarily do these things every week.

When you purchase the planner ($7 if you use the code 'giveaways'), they send you a pdf to download to your computer, then you can print it off however you choose. My friend took hers to a copy store and had them bind it for her. I chose to just print mine here at home, use my 3-hole punch, and put it in a binder.

I can't even tell you how excited I am to do this...and I feel like such a dork for being so excited about it. But this is what I needed...I don't need to re-invent the wheel...I just needed to find a system that would work for me. And I hope this is it. :)

WOW!

2010-01-31T17:35:00.000-08:00

The response I've received from my last post has been overwhelming. Through emails, Facebook messages, comments on the blog and Facebook, and face to face encounters, I've heard from so many women who have been touched by depression in some way. Part of me wants to jump up and down and yell, "FINALLY!!! People are opening up about this!!!!"...the other part of me wants to cry because of the shame so many of you have felt, and still feel.

Not everyone will feel led to face their battle publicly...and that's okay! I just don't want anyone to feel that they have to suffer silently. I can't say this enough: PLEASE reach out to someone...it can be a family member, a friend, a mentor...or even me. I won't betray any confidences and know what you're facing. Nobody should have to go through this alone.

Back in September, I purchased the book, Defeating Depression: Real HOPE for Life-changing Wholeness, by Leslie Vernick. What an amazing resource this has been! I started reading it when I was in the deepest part of the pit, and was looking for anything I could find that would offer some encouragement from a Biblical perspective. This book is full of encouragement, and practical advice for people facing depression, as well as for those who walk alongside them. One of my favorite parts of the book is the sample letter she provides for family and friends. This is what it says:

"Dear ________,
I know you've noticed I'm not myself lately and have asked what's wrong and how you could help me. I am battling depression. Here are some things I think you could do that would encourage me during this time.

Please don't judge me. I judge myself mercilessly. I don't know why i feel the way I do, but I'm trying to figure it out. Please show patience and support.
Please don't tell me just to "snap out of it." I don't like feeling this way. Believe me, if I could just snap out of it, I would have done so.
Don't tell me it's all in my head. My heart hurts too. My body feels lousy, and often I feel as if I don't even have the strength to put one foot in front of another. When you say things like this, it's like telling someone who is bleeding by the side of the road, "It's all in your head. Just snap out of it."
Speaking of bleeding by the side of the road, remember the story Jesus told of the Good Samaritan? He helped the wounded man and demonstrated compassion. Please understand that right now I may not be able to do for myself what I once was able to do. I may need your help and some of your time, energy, and/or money to get better. Please offer them generously; don't make me ask or beg. I probably won't. When you seem reluctant or unwilling to help me, I don't feel I'm worth anything to you.
I need encouragement and support. I need you to reach out to me and not allow me to continue to isolate myself. Call me. Invite me for a walk. Come over to my house to talk with me. Don't take my reluctance or even a no for an answer. I need you right now. Pray with me and hold me. Hugs can bring more comfort that words can express. Let me cry when I need to.
Please tell me the truth, but speak it with grace and love. I am a prisoner of my own harsh words. I do not need to hear scolding words from others. The Bible tells us to help the weak (1 Thessalonians 5:14). Right now I'm weak. Help me regain my strength. Your words are very powerful to me, especially negative ones. I hear them much louder than any other words you will ever say.
If I'm under medical care or seeing a counselor, please understand that my doctor and/or my therapist are here to help me figure out what's wrong and how to get better. If you tell me what you think is wrong or what I should or shouldn't do to get better, it confuses me and undermines my confidence in the helpers that God has put in my life.
Finally, in the Bible there was a man named Job who was very depressed. His friends said all the wrong things to him. Listen to his advice to them. He said,

Won't you ever stop your flow of foolish words? What have I said that makes you speak so endlessly? I could say the same things if you were in my place. I could spout off my criticisms against you and shake my head at you. But that's not what I would do. I would speak in a way that helps you. I would try to take away your grief (Job 16:3-5, NLT, emphasis added).

Speak to me in a way that helps me. Encourage me. remind me of the good things in my life. Help me trust God with all of this. Stand by me and tell me you love me, and then with your help and God's, I will be able to have the strength to fight to get healthier and stronger.

Thank you for wanting to help me and for caring about me. I appreciate you.

Love, __________ (pp 240-242)

Wow...I'm so glad she included this in her book...I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to come up with this on my own! I'd like to add a couple of other things that are helpful for a mom struggling with depression.

Offer to bring a meal over. It doesn't have to be fancy. Heck, you could even call a local pizza place and have pizza delivered. One of the most overwhelming things for me, when I'm in the pit, is to try to come up with something for dinner. I can't even tell you how many nights we've had cereal.
Offer to babysit. I've got great girlfriends that have stepped in to watch my kids so I can go to my counseling appointments, or even so I can have a couple of hours to run errands alone.
Send a card. There is nothing better than opening the mailbox and seeing a pretty, handwritten notecard from a caring friend. You don't have to fill it with Bible verses or profound thoughts. A simple "I'm thinking of you and I love you" can say it all!
Help with housework. Again, my girlfriends and mom have been lifesavers in this area. Show up and just start cleaning. Tackle a project and don't be afraid to tell your friend "go through this pile and eliminate half of it to throw away/donate/recycle."
Remember my husband and kids. It's not easy for them to see me this way. If your husband knows mine, encourage him to call and offer to meet for lunch (or dinner, but then offer to come over yourself during that time to help with the kids!) Invite my kids along for a trip to the park or a sleepover. Mom isn't always the most fun person to be around, nor does she have the energy to plan for fun.

If you have other ideas, please share them with me. I'm sure there are things I've overlooked. Also, if you are going through depression and a friend offers help, don't let pride get in the way and cause you to decline it. You're robbing two people of a blessing, that way! One of the ways I've felt the most blessed is when I reach out to others and they accept my help. We were never meant to walk through this life alone. I'll say it over and over if I have to...WE NEED EACH OTHER!!!

Where to start?

2010-01-28T08:05:00.001-08:00

I'm back! I've been such a delinquent blogger...I'm not even sure where to start. As I said before, I want to be more intentional about this blog. I have been to places I never wanted to go, and I want to share that with you. Not for pity...the Lord knows I spent enough time doing that for myself. Not for attention...I can think of many other things I would want to be known for. I do this because I made a promise to God that I would not waste the pain I've experienced. I knew all along this path that HE would be glorified through it someday. If that happens by me sharing my story, then what more can I do but obey?

When I was in college, I really struggled with WHY I was there. I wasn't one with big career goals. I wanted to get married and have a family...that was my dream job. I knew that I should have a 'backup plan', so that's why I got my dental hygiene degree. But deep down, I knew God was calling me to motherhood as my profession.

Fast-forward a few years...we had those babies I had dreamed about. After Annaliese (#2) was born, I started feeling 'not right'. My OB/GYN diagnosed me with postpartum depression. I wasn't in denial about it...it was a very real thing. I learned (after hearing countless times, "Why are you depressed? You have a husband that loves you, two beautiful children, a brand new home...what do you have to be depressed about???") that depression is NOT circumstantial. Yes, circumstances can contribute to it, but it is a chemical, physical, REAL disease. I took my medication and felt like I was doing pretty well after awhile. When we found out we were expecting baby #3, my dr. suggested that I should stay on the medication throughout my pregnancy and for at least another year after giving birth. I did. When Adam was around a year old, I figured that since I had done so 'well', I didn't need to take it anymore, so I weaned myself off. Big mistake. Long story short, I crashed hard. I was put back on medication and have been on it ever since. When Sam was born (#4), I felt great. No big emotional dips, no harmful thoughts. I was hoping to be able to wean off my meds shortly after his first birthday, but then we found out we were expecting a surprise...Tessa. :)

My pregnancy with her was pretty typical. No big complications, just the typical pregnancy discomforts. After she was born, I was so happy...and then, it happened. I started feeling completely overwhelmed. Everyone kept telling me "Wow! You have FIVE kids?!?!? You must be a superwoman!!!". For the sake of any of my friends out there with large families, PLEASE do not say this to us! It only puts pressure on us to BE a superwoman! Everytime I heard someone say this, I felt like a fraud. Sure, when you see a mom out with her kids, and they're dressed decently and are semi-well behaved, you think she's got it together. What you don't see (or at least what is true for me) is the mom that screamed at her children that morning because they were being irritating. The mom who screamed at and belittled her husband for something very insignificant. The mom who was mad at God for giving her what she asked for. The mom who looked for every chance she had to escape, practically running out the door the minute her husband came home from work and often didn't return until well after the kids were in bed. The mom who looked around at the house that looked like a bomb went off in it, but didn't know where to start, so she did nothing. That was me.

This past summer was not at all what I'd hoped it would be. I did the bare minimum each day. Breakfast for the kids. Check. Lunch. Check. Naptime. Check. The rest of the time, I was checked-out. We made the weekly trip to the park, swam at the community pool, had lots of playdates with our friends. But I did nothing to engage my kids at all. I was resentful of them, honestly. I felt unappreciated and invisible.

Around the time of Tessa's first birthday (in September), I had a complete breakdown. I don't even remember what sparked it, but I lost it. Thankfully, the kids were outside, but hateful words were said, things were broken, and I hit bottom. I sat on the floor of the bathroom, sobbing, thinking of ways I could escape my life permanently. I was terrified. My poor husband didn't know what to do with me...I can't imagine how horrified he was by what happened, how angry he must be at me, how frustrated he was that he couldn't help me. I will say this...God gave me an extremely patient, forgiving, and loving husband. Neither of us are perfect, but we know God knew what He was doing when He brought us together.

I have also been blessed with an amazing group of girlfriends. They have been a huge support to me though this whole journey. They encouraged me to get help. I called my doctor, but was told I had to wait a week to get in. During that week, another call was put in to them, and they increased my medication dosage. By the time the appointment came around, I was a pile of tears every day. As Jared and I sat in his office, I was overcome by the reality of it all. I had to get help...I couldn't try to do this on my own anymore. My dr. made a phone call and got me an immediate appointment with a counselor in the same building. Again, as I told her what was going on, all I could do was cry. She set me up for the following week with the counselor I would be seeing on a regular basis. It helped to be heard, but I still didn't see how things would get any better.

After my first appointment with my counselor, I began to feel freed from the guilt I was carrying around about the summer. I beat myself up pretty badly over that. She reassured me that the kids probably wouldn't look back on the summer as the worst one of their lives, and reminded me that we did do SOME fun things along the way. I looked forward with anticipation to our family vacation, which was planned for the end of September. Destination: The Outer Banks of North Carolina.

Most of you know the story...we got there, settled into the rental home, and Annaliese developed pneumonia in both lungs and was hospitalized for the fourth time since June, an hour and a half away, for the rest of the trip. I was devastated. The ONE thing I looked forward to with our family and THIS is what happens??? To be honest, I STILL struggle with this one. I'd love a do-over.

So, since September, I've been seeing my counselor every two weeks. She's helping me understand myself better, and I'm learning how to take time for myself that is beneficial, not just to escape. I've had a couple of 'dips' since then, where my medication kind of levels out a little for a couple of days, and I feel pretty down and just want to sleep. Thankfully, they happen on the weekends when Jared is home to pick up the slack.

I think one of the things that frustrates me most about depression is not knowing how long I'll have to deal with it. It could be for this season of my life. I could be for the rest of my life. I may need to take medication forever. And I'm okay with that. There is a huge stigma attached to medication that I wish would just go away. Taking it does not make one weak. It doesn't mean that you are a failure. The goal of my treatment is not to get me off my medication...it's to keep me healthy.

If you read this and see yourself in something I've written, please know that you are not alone. You may feel like the worst person on the planet. You may want to escape your life. You may feel like you're worth nothing to anyone. I remember sitting with a friend at church one Sunday the past fall, crying my eyes out. I looked at her and sobbed, "I just feel like my kids would be better off with another mom, and that Jared would be better off with another wife!". She looked me right in the eyes and said, "Amanda, that is a lie from the pit of hell...I don't EVER want to hear you say that again!". That was just what I needed. Someone to speak TRUTH to me. I'm thankful to have some very Godly women in my life. Maybe you don't have that. Please don't be afraid to reach out.

There is a lot more I could write, and I feel like some of this may be a little dis-jointed. I'll have a lot more to say about depression and helping someone you love who is struggling with it, but I will leave you with this for now:

Be gracious to me, O God,

be gracious to me.

For my soul takes refuge in you;

and in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge

until destruction passes by.

I will cry to God Most High,

to God who accomplishes all things for me.

He will send from heaven and save me;

He reproaches him who tramples on me.

God will send forth this lovingkindness and His truth.

Psalm 57: 1-3

New year, new beginning

2010-01-08T13:50:00.000-08:00

I just spent an hour trying to get the blog 'look' updated...HTML code genius, I am not. :)
So much has happened in my life since my last pitiful post back in August. Not just in the day-to-day life of the Joneses, but in my heart as well. I am looking forward to sharing my journey with you. One of my goals this year (not resolutions), is to be more intentional with blogging about the path my life is taking. There have been some incredible difficulties, but there have also been equally as many blessings. Stay tuned...

2009-08-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

Annaliese and I returned home last night from another visit at the hospital. She started struggling to breathe again Friday, and by afternoon, it was apparent that she needed to be seen. The inhaler we have wasn't working for longer than 15 minutes and she was in rough shape. We went to our pediatrician's office, where we found that her O2 level was only abotu 82-84%. She was given a nebulizer treatment, but she continued with her rapid, shallow breathing, so we were sent to the ER. They did a couple more neb. treatments, then decided to admit her. It as a long night, and at one point I was so wired, I went for a walk on the labor and delivery unit, where two of my friends were working. As I walked that floor, I heard the cry of a very new baby (as in a couple of minutes new!)...what a reminder of how precious life is!
After talking to the doctors, we think Annaliese has Reactive Airway Disease, not necessarily asthma. Something (usually a change in the weather) triggers it, and bam!, she can't breathe. We were sent home with 4 prescriptions, plus the Miralax she's on for her belly issues. I finally had to make a chart today to manage all 5...it's confusing! We'll follow up with her pediatrician Tuesday or Wednesday and see where we go from here. Most likely, she'll be on an inhaler daily, long-term. We had hoped to avoid that, but if she continues to have these episodes, she'll end up with lungs that look like a patient with emphysema by the time she's a young adult...very scary.
Thanks for continuing to pray for her...it's been a rough year for her!

July!?!?

2009-07-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Where has this month gone???

We've stayed busy this past month with lots of playdates, trips to the park, Vacation Bible Schools (yes, that's plural!), and just hanging out at home. The weather here has been much cooler than normal, so it seems weird that it's already almost the end of July!

Annaliese had her follow up appointment with the surgeon on Friday. The current xray shows some improvement in the swelling of the large intestine, which is wonderful news. There is still, however, an area of enlargement that we will need to re-evaluate in 3 months. We're increasing the dosage of her medication, and hopefully that will help!

My 15 year High School Reunion is this coming weekend! It's crazy to think we've been out of school that long already! I've reconnected with a lot of my classmates over Facebook, so it will be nice to see them in person again. My parents have agreed to keep Tessa and Sam for us for a few days after we leave, so we'll only have 3 kids from Saturday - Tuesday night...I'm SO excited! :)

I hope to get some more pics up here soon...now that our computer is fixed, it shouldn't be too hard! :)

What a week!

2009-06-26T14:28:00.001-07:00

This past week has been crazy! We had some major thunderstorms come through here last week, and lightning hit something and caused a power surge in our house. The surge protector that the computer was connected to didn't exactly protect against the surge, and our computer is toast. Thankfully, Jared had bought a used one at work a few weeks ago, so we're not totally without internet. However, EVERYTHING was on that computer, so I've lost my favorites list, pictures, etc. until we can get our info recovered...eventually.

Last weekend, we headed to my parents' house for Father's Day. We went Saturday and had a picnic with my extended family, and Annaliese and I had planned on singing during the 3 services at my dad's church. That was not meant to be. By 9:30pm on Saturday, Annaliese was on her way to the ER at the local hospital in Coldwater. Her asthma (which we'd hoped/thought she'd outgrown) was flaring again, and she was in rough shape. She was admitted and watched overnight. Poor girl...she felt so horrible and apologized to Jared for being in the hospital on both his birthday (June 1) and Father's Day. He spent the night with her, I sang at church in the morning, and she was discharged later that day. This week has been full of antibiotics, steroids, and inhalers. Yuck.

Sunday afternoon, we also received the news that Jared's paternal grandmother had passed away in Alabama. The last time we saw Granny was at Jared's older brother's wedding 12 years ago. We had sent pictures over the years, but her health declined and we've not had much contact with her since then. Jared's mom and dad had been in Oregon on business, so his dad flew to Alabama for the funeral and Jared decided to join him there on Wednesday. It sure surprised his dad when he walked into the church and saw Jared there! They had a good day/evening together, then each flew home/back to Oregon yesterday.

This week was also full of fun for the kids, as they attended a local church's VBS program each evening. They loved it! This is the second week of a kids' program that they've attended this summer, and I've got them registered for another one next month. Such fun (for them AND mommy!!) :)

As I type this, the house is completely silent. The kids are gone for the weekend and Jared and I are heading to a wedding back near Coldwater. My friend Sarah M. took the girls, and my friend Sara S. took the boys. I'm just waiting for Jared to get home so we can pack up and head out of town...can't wait for a good stretch of time alone!! Tomorrow will be a great day of celebration and catching up with old family friends...I'm so excited!!!

Mighty Molly

2009-06-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to Family Life Today online this week. It's a daily radio program produced by Family Life ministries. They always have great topics relating to, well, Family Life.

This week's broadcasts have been amazing. Jacob and Rebecca Mutz (daughter and son-in-law of Family Life founder Dennis Rainey), along with both sets of their parents, tell the story of the brief life of their firstborn baby, Molly. I encourage you all to listen to this amazing story. Each day's broadcast is about 25 minutes long. Click HERE to be directed to the website, and click on 'listen here'. Have Kleenex nearby!

Pics finally!

2009-06-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

If you look on the sidebar of the blog, there is a pic of each member of our family, along with a little description of them. I hope this helps you get to know us a little better!

Summer vacation

2009-06-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Today marks our first official day of summer break! I figured the kids would be up and at 'em at the normal time (between 7-715), but they pleasantly suprised me by sleeping until 8! :)
I've decided that this summer cannot be a free-for-all. The kids need to help out around here a bit more than they have been, and they will not be allowed free access to TV and the Wii. I had them earn their Wii time already this morning. Luke offered to pick up the basement and Annaliese needed to clean her room. Adam put books away in their room (they were all over). Luke decided to keep going, so he picked up the living room, front room AND re-organized the shoe closet. Annaliese unloaded the dishwasher. That earned them 45 minutes (started out at 30, but I added 15 more because of the extra work they did). That time came and went and now they're playing together (surprisingly well!) down here while I bl0g. Ok, scratch that...Sam's crying. :(

Annaliese's Story

2009-06-05T12:31:00.001-07:00

I posted this on Facebook the other day, so this may be repeated information for some of you. For those of you who don't know about Annaliese's medical issues, this will give you the background.
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I've had several people ask me to explain what happened to Annaliese, so I figured I'll just write one note and whomever is interested can read it. :) *disclaimer - this will reference bodily functions a lot, so if you don't want to read about that, click away from here!*

When she was born in 2002, Annaliese appeared to be a perfectly normal newborn. The only problem was that she had some difficulty with nursing. She just wouldn't eat. And she wouldn't poop. The pediatrician from the practice our kids are patients at was doing rounds and discovered that she had a meconium plug at that time. He got it out (don't try to envision that...it's not pretty) and we thought that would be the end of it. She immediately started nursing better. There was nothing making her feel 'full', so she was hungry again. We were discharged and went home to enjoy life with our new little girl and her almost-2-year-old-brother Luke.

Within the next week, the eating problems popped up again and she started vomiting after every feeding. And not just spitting up. I mean projectile, across the room, waiting for her head to start spinning around vomit. I took her to the doctor and they said it was probably just a stomach bug (it was March, after all) and to see how she did through the weekend. We went out for dinner with some friends that night and brought her along with us. While we were there, she started vomiting again, only this time it was green...bile. I wasn't about to call the pediatrician's office again, so we headed straight to the ER. We waited there for several hours and were finally admitted. That began a 2 week hospitalization for Annaliese. Several tests were done, and she was unable to eat. She had a tube down her nose and into her stomach, and received all her nutrition through an IV. The first IV site went bad, so a new one was placed in her scalp...not pretty. Many tests were done and they ruled out Cystic Fibrosis, cancer, etc. Finally, a biopsy was done near her rectum, and we received the diagnosis: Hirschsprung's Disease. And yes, it took us a LONG time to be able to spell it.

Hirschsprung's Disease is a congenital disease that occurs when nerve cells are absent from a portion of the baby's intestines. When there are no nerve cells, stool cannot pass through the intestine. Surgery was performed to remove the affected segment of her colon. Thankfully, it was done in one stage, so a colostomy bag was avoided.

The day after surgery, Jared decided to head to work for a few hours, leaving me at the hospital to visit with our friend Miriam. We were just chatting away when Annaliese's monitors started going off. We had been used to a few beeps and buzzes when she would shift positions, but this felt different right away. Her O2 level dropped drastically from 100 down to the 30's. Immediately our room filled with nurses and residents. I remember thinking "She's going to die". Miriam stood next to me with her arm around my shoulder as I frantically called Jared (who was only just leaving the parking garage) and told him something bad was happening. Within what I'm sure was only a few minutes, but felt like an hour, she was stabilized and most of the team left the room. They discovered that the morphine they had been giving her to control her pain had built up to a level so high it caused her to relax to the point of not breathing. It was immediately discontinued and she was fine. We were able to go home within a couple of days.

Life was pretty normal for a long time. We had routine follow-up appointments with the pediatric surgeons and they always said she looked good. We made a few visits for some constipation issues, but they usually resolved themselves to a point that was comfortable for her and us.

Two and a half years ago, she got very ill. I remembered the surgeon telling us that a normal intestinal bug would hit her harder than it would a 'normal' child (meaning one without Hirschsprung's) and that she was at a greater risk of dehydration. They told us to expect a need for IV fluids at some point. This was that point. She had not been able to keep anything down and was so 'backed up' that she started to vomit *THAT* up too. She was admitted to the hospital and we were there for 10 days. At that time, her lungs had been so constricted from the buildup of stool that she developed borderline pneumonia. Those 10 days were filled with breathing treatments, enemas, and a very angry 4 year old girl who refused to poop. It was exhausting for all of us, but she finally got cleaned out and came home.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Annaliese was at a girlfriend's house on Friday night for a sleepover. We received a call from her friend's mom at midnight saying that Annaliese had a tummyache. She came home and went to bed and seemed fine Saturday morning. We went out for some family time and while we were at the park, she fell asleep on a blanket. On the way home, she cried when we made a few stops because she was too uncomfortable sitting up. She started vomiting in the car. We got home and she spent the next 8 hours vomiting. She was able to keep some liquid down Sunday morning, but was vomiting again by that night.

Monday morning, I took her to the pediatrician and within one minute, the nurse pracitioner went to get one of the docs, knowing she'd need to be sent to the ER. The poor girl couldn't even sit on the table...she lay there bundled up in a blanket, cringing every time someone touched her. Her belly was very distended and was getting hard and more swollen higher up. We headed to the ER and by the time we got there she was vomiting blood. An abdominal xray showed a ton of air and stool mixed in her large intestine. She was given an IV for dehydration and admitted. That night, things started 'moving' a little and the swelling in her belly decreased. She was kept an additional day for observation, and was released today (Wednesday).

One of the docs from the surgeon's office came to speak with us yesterday (Tuesday). He explained to us that Annaliese's large intestine is very enlarged. He compared it to her xrays from 2 years ago and said that they both look very much the same. What he wants to know is, what does it look like when she's healthy and not in an acute situation? Does the swelling go down? If yes, that's good. If no, that's bad. The intestine is a muscle...when it's stretched to that capacity, it does not retain it's strength and loses its ability to contract (hmmm...kind of like my stomach after 5 babies!). It cannot move waste through it when it's that damaged.

Since Annaliese's belly is always somewhat distended, our guess is that the lg. intestine is always enlarged. We are going to wait a couple of months, then get an xray of her while she's healthy. If it is enlarged, those sections will need to be removed surgically. We have many questions about that, but will cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now, we have to focus on getting her back to normal...whatever that is!

So that's Annaliese's story. While we go through things like this with her, it's easy to get scared and worry about things. But, we cling to the knowledge that she is "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God, and that He always knows what is going on with her, even when we and the doctors are scratching our heads and wondering. Thank you all SO much for your concern and prayers over the past several days. The phone calls, visits, and notes of encouragement were very much appreciated. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends surrounding us. We love you all!

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New beginning

2009-06-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I've taken a long enough hiatus from blogging. I got very bored with Xanga so I just stopped updating. Facebook became a much quicker way to communicate. But I miss blogging. I miss documenting the life of my family. So I'm back. :)

Today is Luke's 9th birthday. It's hard to believe that it's been nine years since we first became parents. It still amazes me that you can give birth to this little creature, spend a couple of days getting to know him/her in the hospital, then they kick you out and say 'Go figure it out!'. :)

Luke is such a great kid. He's thoughtful, tender-hearted, funny, cuddly (still!), smart, curious, responsible, and a great big brother. We are so blessed to have him in our family. Today is his last day of 3rd grade, and he's looking forward to having me show up with cupcakes later this morning.

Annaliese (7 now) returned home from the hospital on Wednesday morning. For those of you who aren't on Facebook and didn't read her story, she was hopitalized from Monday to Wednesday due to a flare up of her intestinal problems. I'll post the note I put on Facebook later...it has the whole story of her illness. Today is her last day of 1st grade and she's very excited for summer vacation!

Adam is five and has been done with preschool for a couple of weeks. He's in a very mischievous stage right now and is frequently in time out. He's still a good kid, just doesn't always make the best choices. :)

Samuel is...well, he's two and a half. :) He's hilarious to have around, but also has a stubborn streak. He and Adam are the current reason for my gray hairs. :) He's a very helpful little guy, and loves his baby sister.

Tessa is 9 months old next week! I think this girl has grown faster than any of the other ones...we seem to have sped through these months! She's rolling all over to get where she wants (no interest in crawling yet) and she's such a happy girl. We love having her around and she makes us all smile every day. She loves her siblings...especially Adam.

Well, I'm off to get things ready to head over to the school. I promise (you and myself!) that I will be better at keeping up with this blog. Hopefully now that school is done, I'll be able to carve out a few minutes each week to update. If I start slacking, call me out on it! :)

**Pictures to come...once I figure out this new layout!**