Book Review - And It Was Beautiful: Celebrating Life in the Midst of the Long Good-Bye by Kara Tippetts

Several years ago, my sister-in-law shared a blog post on her Facebook page that was written by the mom of one of her Pre-K students.  This woman - a pastor's wife, mom of four, and beloved friend to many - had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and she blogged as a way to update her friends and family on her illness.  Something about that first post I read drew me in, and after I'd tucked my kids into bed that evening, I went back in the archives and read the entire blog from the beginning.  Over the next couple of hours, Kara Tippetts worked her way into my heart.

Kara blogged regularly throughout her cancer journey, and her readership grew steadily.  She wrote honestly about the battle she was fighting, how it affected her not only physically, but spiritually as well.  One of Kara's goals was to find God's goodness in the midst of her suffering, and He was faithful to help her find it.  Kara wrote beautifully about this in her first book, The Hardest Peace.  In her last months, she also coauthored Just Show Up, a book about living in community and walking through times of suffering with others.

Kara's blog crashed awhile back, and sadly, all of her posts were lost.  Thankfully, she had saved them to her computer, but the site was unable to be restored.  Her final book, And It Was Beautiful, is a compilation of many of those posts, along with other writings, and it is SO good.  Even though I'd read most of it as the original blog, and I knew how Kara's earthly story would come to an end, I was still completely drawn in.  Turning the page to Act Four in the book, and seeing the chapter title, "Letter to My Readers Upon My Death", caused a lump to form in my throat and my heart to sink again.  It obviously wasn't a surprise to me, but it still took me back to the day Kara went Home and the tears came again...for her husband, for her kids, for her community.  They have all modeled well how to grieve with hope.  She was so loved.

As the one year marker of Kara's "[flying] away to the land of no more tears" (p. 246) approaches, reading this book has been a fresh reminder to me of the ways Kara inspired us to look for the grace in every situation.  How very blessed I was by her words, and how very much I miss her voice here on earth.


*Disclaimer - I received a complimentary copy of this book from Litfuse Publicity in exchange for my honest review.*

Tuesday Grace Letters - A letter to Kara

Last year (the last time I blogged...*gulp*), I participated in a blog link-up with another blogger, Kara at Mundane Faithfulness.  We called those posts "Tuesday Grace Letters", and we wrote to ourselves, our loved ones...it varied week by week.  Over the past year, Kara's story has received much attention.  She is a wife and mom from Colorado who has been battling cancer.  Earlier this year, it was discovered that treatment was no longer working.  Kara entered into Hospice care and has blogged quite honestly and beautifully about "the long goodbye" she is living out. 
Like many of you, I have been completely drawn in by her story.  I have cried reading her posts and prayed for her and her family.  Today I wanted to write another Tuesday Grace Letter...this one, to Kara. 

Dear Kara,

I have started and re-started this letter at least half a dozen times already.  It feels a little unnatural to be writing this.  I’m not one of your ‘people’…those closest to you who truly know you, who have walked beside you throughout this journey and helped carry you to where you are today.  I’m only a wife and mom in Michigan who heard your story a couple of years ago from my sister-in-law, Leigh, your sweet girl’s teacher.  The day she shared your blog with me, I stayed up late into the night reading your posts, totally taken by your honesty and openness. 

You have challenged me to allow God’s grace and mercy to fill in my rough spaces and then be shown to those around me.  It’s not easy.  It’s hard to move toward difficult people and circumstances in love and grace.  It’s hard to take the deep breath and count to ten before responding with a sharp answer.  It’s hard to enter into the suffering of another when we risk being hurt ourselves. 

I know that the desire of your heart in all of this is that we would be pointed to Jesus, not Kara.  I see Him in you.  I see the way His love has helped you to love your people well.  I see the way His grace and faithfulness have carried you through this journey.  I see the hearts He’s changed through your obedience and faith…mine is one of them. 

It has been a privilege to pray for you, Jason, and your family…to pray for your community, those faithful friends who have taught me how to love another in their suffering.  Every single one has used their unique gifts and abilities, working together as the Body was designed.  It’s been beautiful to witness. 

You are loved, Kara.  Thank you…just thank you. 

-Amanda

Tuesday Grace Letters - Grace in 2010-2014

This week's assignment from Kara was to write a letter to a time grace met us in a hard season of life.  What a gift to be able to write this letter today. 

Dear Grace in 2010 – 2014,

Four years ago last week, I was at the lowest part of ‘the pit’.  I had fought battle after battle with depression for eight long years, sometimes feeling like I’d won a victory, but it was always short-lived.  The lies that I’d begun to believe about myself took over.  I was not the wife, mother, sister, friend, fill-in-the-blank that I should be, so there was no reason for me to be here, right?  Surely everyone would be better off without me. 

Thankfully, I was (and still am) surrounded by people who loved me and made difficult decisions that ultimately led to the healing I have received.  It was not easy.  In fact, it was one of the most painful times I’ve ever experienced, and it still stings to re-live it.  But…Grace.  You have shown up in some beautiful and amazing ways in the years since that pit attempted to swallow me whole.  Restoration has come in my treasured relationships, and a peace has settled in my heart.  Yes, there are still some days that I hear the old familiar call of the Enemy and am tempted to wallow.  But…Grace.  You remind me that I’m not who I was, that I’ve been healed and changed in ways I may not fully see yet.  You let me know that even though those days were some of the most painful I’ve known, God will not waste that pain. 

One of the books that was most helpful to me during my healing was Defeating Depression: Real Hope for Life-changing Wholeness by Leslie Vernick.  At one point, Vernick quotes Charles Spurgeon, who said, “I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression of spirits.  I know the borders of despair, and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone; but hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip I could never have given if I had not known their deep despondency.” (p. 222).  My pain is not wasted.  I’m beginning to see it as a gift that I can share with others, to encourage them that they are not alone, that they have worth and value and are needed. 

So, past four years…thank you.  I’m grateful to have been lifted out of the pit and to have experienced the growth and change that you have held for me.  I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, the forgiveness that’s been extended and given, the better understanding I have of my God, and the deepening of relationships that might not otherwise have occurred.  And I’m grateful for Grace. 

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Tuesday Grace Letter - Free Week

This week's assignment from Kara at Mundane Faithfulness is this:  Share your heart. Write a love letter of grace of your choosing. 

This week I'm writing to my friends. 

To my friends,

I’ve tried to be intentional over the years about telling you what I appreciate about you, but I haven’t always succeeded.  Life gets busy, kids get sick, projects need tending, and intentions fall by the wayside.  I hope you know how much you mean to me. 

Maybe you were one of my first friends ever.  We spent hours playing outside, swinging on swing sets, rolling down hills, learning to ride our bikes.  You were the first friends I had to say goodbye to as we moved away (the first of many times).  And over those years of moving and growing and coming home again, you were still there.  You still are.  We don’t have a shared history of sleepovers and secrets, but you will forever be my friend.  And I am grateful for you.

Maybe you were my elementary and middle school friends.  We spent our time learning together, working together, and growing together.  We had misunderstandings, popularity contests, typical drama that comes along with learning how the world works.  We shared makeup and clothes, spent hours on the phone, and fought over boys.  You were the next groups of friends I had to say goodbye to as we moved away… again.  And I am grateful for you.

Maybe you were my high school friends.  At each of the high schools I attended, I was ‘the new girl’.  You made that easier for me.  We helped each other navigate through the hard years of figuring out who we were and what we believed.  We shared secrets and heartbreak, passed notes in the halls, and tried not to get caught reading them during class.  We swore we’d be Best Friends Forever in our yearbooks and promised to ‘KIT’ over the summer.  J  And I am grateful for you.

Maybe you were my college friends (either at Calvin or KCC).  We leaned on each other as we spread those wings our parents gave us and tested our newfound freedom.  We shared bathrooms and dorm rooms, spent hours studying and taking breaks to watch “Friends” and “ER” down the hall, and worked in Clinic, learning how to clean teeth over a three hour appointment (which we were then expected to shrink into one hour after we got real jobs???).  We shared engagements and weddings, poring over Brides magazines during breaks.  We grew up together.  And I am grateful for you. 

And maybe you’re one of my ‘adult’ friends.   We’ve shared the real world together and I’ve learned so much from you.  You might be married or single, you might have kids or not.  You’ve seen me at my best, you’ve seen me at my worst.  You have supported our family through joys and pain, and have given of yourself in so many ways.  You challenge me to continue to grow in my faith and be the best ME I can be.  And I am grateful for you. 

Thank you to every one of you I’ve been privileged to call ‘friend’ over the years.  The experiences we’ve shared have helped shape me into the person I am today…and I am grateful for you. 

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Tuesday Grace Letters #2

Today's assignment for Tuesday Grace Letters is:  a love and gratitude letter to someone who has made a difference in your story. A letter of thanks to someone from your past that has changed your tomorrows. Someone who has loved you well and taught you about life. Write them a letter of love and grace.

The moment I read that last week, I knew the person I would write to.  This woman is one of the people I hold closest in my heart.  She has been my enthusiastic cheerleader, my faithful encourager, my gentle admonisher, my wise counselor, and a precious sister in Christ.  She's known to drop everything and supply a coffee maker when yours dies on a day you're stuck at home with a sick little.  She's known to find you a bargain replacement coffee maker while she's shopping and will grab it for you and drop it off on her way home.  She's known to be very organized and can help you bring order to chaos.  She's known as an amazing nurse and uses the gifts God gave her with much compassion and precision.  She's known to call and check up on you after you've had surgery, and will pick up a rotisserie chicken and Gatorade for you when she hears how miserable you sound, knowing you need some protein and hydration.  She's known to be a survivor, as she faced the fight of her life and beat breast cancer just over three years ago.  And she's known to hand you a blanket and a hot mug when you show up at her house near tears, inviting you to sit on the couch and spill what's on your heart, not letting you leave until she shares Truth and prays with you.  She's also very humble and will probably want to punch me for this.  :)

                                                          She's my Rachel.
 

 

 

 

 

                                                               

                           (Sorry I 'borrowed' a Facebook pic, friend!)  :)



My dear Rachel,

I can't remember the exact moment we met, can you?  It may have been in a Sunday morning service, or in an Adult Bible Fellowship class, or just passing in the halls at church.  I do remember our friendship beginning to grow, though - serving in the nursery together when Devon and Annaliese were babies (how is it they're in Middle School together now?), Tuesday morning Bible studies, small groups.  Little moments of time that built trust and transparency, which grew into this sweet friendship we share today.

Thank you for teaching me more about Jesus in the way you live your life.  You are one of the strongest women I know, yet your gentle and quiet spirit is so evident.  The way you honor and respect your husband is a great reminder to me to hold my tongue when I might be tempted to be critical or say something unkind about my own marriage.  The creativity and energy you have when it comes to raising your three boys challenges me to parent differently, to point my kids to Jesus and to encourage them to be more like Him, recognizing that they all have different personalities and needs. 

The courage and utter dependence on God that you showed as you "Fought Like a Girl" and kicked cancer's behind inspired all of us who prayed for you as you walked that road.   I will never forget the day I went with you as you received chemo.  I don't think you knew the privilege it was for me to be allowed into your difficult in that way.  Thank you for trusting me with that. 

One of my favorite things about you is your knowledge of God's Word.  I LOVE that when I come to you with something heavy weighing on my heart, you let me vent, but you ALWAYS point me to TRUTH.  (I also love the motions you can whip out to help commit those verses to memory...seriously.)  Thank you for being faithful to Him in this way. 

I'm sure I've gone on longer than you would like, and I could keep going, but I'll stop.  :)   I'm realizing more and more that life is short.  We don't know which breath will be our last, and I don't want to have any regrets when it comes to things unsaid.  Thank you for loving me well as your friend and sister.  You are a precious gift to me and all of us who love you!

Love,
Amanda

Pulling Back the Shades

Over the past month or so, you've likely seen me post about two books I've been reading in advance of their release as part of their launch teams.  Today I'm going to talk about one of them, but I need to warn you - this one has me a little nervous. 

You see, I'm a peace-keeper by nature.  I don't like controversy or confrontation, so I usually keep my little opinions to myself.  I fear looking stupid or un-educated, worry about rocking the boat, and usually don't say much about topics that might be a little uncomfortable.  But you see, I've read this book and for some reason I need to talk about it.  (Of course, that was one of the conditions of being part of the launch team - I got a copy of the book for free and agreed to give an honest review of it when I finished.)  :)  I have a feeling, though, that even if I hadn't been part of the launch team, I'd still feel the need to discuss this book, to share with you what I've learned and what has been on my mind since I finished it.   

A little disclaimer:  This blog post contains some sensitive subject material (sexuality) so if you're easily offended by that or if you're one of my younger friends, it's OK if you close this window right now.  Also, by sharing this with you, I realize I'm opening up a discussion that needs to happen.  I only ask that you are respectful in your comments (here or on Facebook), and that you remember I'm writing from MY perspective: that of a 30-something Christian wife, mother, and friend. 

“This book is not ultimately about the Fifty Shades series or even about erotica.  This book is about the spiritual battle for the hearts and souls of women.” (PBTS, p. 146)

About two years ago, I came across a blog post entitled, “I’m Not Reading Fifty Shades of Grey”, written by Christian author and speaker, Dannah Gresh.  I had heard some buzz about the book series, but I didn't consider reading them.  The romance/erotic fiction genre of books isn’t of interest to me, and is one I purposely avoid.  I'll admit, my initial reason for this wasn't an overly 'spiritual' one, but was out of respect for Jared.   If he is committed to avoiding tempting images, shouldn't I refrain from filling my mind with them as well?   The blog post generated a lot of discussion.  People held strong opinions about whether the books were good or bad.  What surprised me most, though, was the number of Christian women who defended the series.  (Interesting quote from a more recent post on Dannah's blog: There’s no statistical difference in the percentage of Christian vs overall women who’ve read the Fifty Shades of Grey series.)

Fast forward almost two years.  Dannah Gresh posted on her Facebook page that she and Dr. Juli Slattery have written a book in response to the series and the effect it, and other books like it, have had on our culture, our minds, and our marriages.  Applications were being taken for a spot on the book’s launch team, so I gave it a shot and was chosen. 

This book was written from the perspective that “spirituality and sexuality were never meant to be mutually exclusive” (PBTS, back cover).  For years, the topic of Biblical sexuality has been so under-discussed in the Church, it’s almost become taboo.  The fact is we were created as sexual beings.  Women (Christian women included) have desires that they long to have fulfilled, yet, for many different reasons (unmarried, past abuse, dysfunction in marriage), they cannot.  This is where erotica can come in.  "No man needed, no risks of heartbreak involved, you don't even have to put on makeup...just start reading and you can have your body and mind awakened any time you want" (PBTS p. 24).   Even though it may seem innocuous and a better choice than casual sex, having an affair or viewing pornography on the Internet, this is dangerous ground to tread.  The authors felt burdened by the number of women turning to erotica and trying to have their longings met by fantasy, so they joined forces and wrote this book.  As they state in the beginning pages, “We want to be very clear: your sexual desire is not wrong.  God created you to be sexual.  Your body and your mind are wired to long for sexual pleasure and intimacy.  Unfortunately, many religious messages separate being a sexual woman from being a spiritual woman…You don’t have to turn off your desire to know God in order to turn on your desire to be sexual” (PBTS, p. 25).  

Over the nine easy-to- read chapters of the book, Gresh and Slattery explore the effect “mommy porn” (erotica) has on women, what boundaries we should set when it comes to sex, disturbing sexual practices (common themes in the Fifty Shades trilogy), sexual satisfaction, and spiritual satisfaction.  There is no shaming of the reader who may have read the series or other books in the genre, only a deeper understanding of why we’re drawn to them, a sharing of Biblical truth and encouragement to live differently.  Each chapter is written candidly and thoughtfully, and sensitive topics are discussed with grace and compassion. 

While it seems much of the content is intended for married women, the authors recognize that single women also struggle with some of the same temptations and issues.  Single readers are well-included in the book, but might be frustrated by the lack of practical advice to help them pursue purity and contentment.  With the evidence given that some girls have been exposed to erotica at ages as young as nine years old, it’s obvious this is a topic that needs to be discussed in our families.  However, I would caution parents to read this book prior to letting a student under college age read it.

Pulling Back the Shades is wonderfully summed up in this excerpt:  “We’re supposed to be making different choices and living a different kind of life than the rest of the world.  While you certainly can and should celebrate your sexuality, there is also discretion required of the Christian woman who seeks to have her sex life be what God designed it to be: a picture of His passionate love for His people!  God’s Word clearly calls us to live our lives as He designed them to be lived in all areas, including sex.  This demands that we choose a different path than the world’s way.  He calls us to holiness.”  (PBTS p. 134)

If you're interested in hearing more about the book, please feel free to message me.  From now until March 31st, Dannah Gresh  is offering 50% off Pulling Back the Shades  on her website.  Just enter the coupon code FIFTY at checkout.  Amazon's stock was sold out as of March 7th, but they do have the Kindle version available for a little over $7. 

I hope my motives are clear here.  I am not condemning anyone who has read the Fifty Shades books.  I am not perfect, and I certainly never will be, but if you are struggling with erotica or other forms of pornography, please know that I am available to talk with you (confidentially, of course).  So many times, things continue to hold power over people because they stay hidden.  I would love to point you in the direction of some resources that can help you. 

 

 

Tuesday Grace Letters #1

Wow, has it been a long time since my last post!  I've had several posts rolling around in my head for months, but never made the time to sit down and get them out.  Thankfully, a fellow blogger issued a little challenge, and I decided to jump in.  Time to dust off the keyboard and do some writing. 

I've never met Kara, but I was introduced to her story by my sister-in-law, who happens to be Kara's youngest daughter's teacher.  I clicked on the post my sister shared, and was immediately taken in.  Kara has walked a path that many women are called to walk, yet has done it with a grace and faith that is rarely seen and shared so vulnerably.  I encourage you to take some time to read Kara's story.  (Note: Have tissues nearby!) 

This week's challenge from Kara is this: "I want to you write a letter of grace to yourself 10 years from today. Include pictures of your life now, but hopes and dreams and fears you have for yourself, your loves, your life in ten years. Speak hopes for love, growth, hopes, and fears. Do what you do best. Write from your heart to the hearts of your loves." 
Obviously, I don't know what the future holds.  Any member of my immediate family may not be here ten years from now.  But it is my hope that we are still together, living this life God has given us, and hopefully, doing it well.  Here is my letter to 2024...

Dear 2024,

When I was a kid, this year seemed impossibly far away.  Wasn’t that science-fiction material?  Surely we wouldn’t still be around, and if we were, we’d be beaming ourselves everywhere we wanted to go, right?  I have no idea what God has in store for my future, but I’d like to talk to those who mean the most to me for a moment. 

 

Luke, my first-born, you are twenty-four.  Yikes.  When I was 24, I was in my second year as a wife and a brand new mama to you.  I knew everything and I knew nothing.  You have always been quick to remind me that you will probably be married by now.  The fact that you wanted to marry ‘young’ made me smile, grateful that the mistakes your Dad and I have made didn’t ruin it for you.  I pray that the woman you choose to spend your life with loves Jesus more than anything (yes, even you!), and that you love, serve and protect her the way your Dad so faithfully has demonstrated in his love for me.  I pray that the vocation you are pursuing is in line with the gifts and abilities God has granted you.  I hope it is something you are passionate about, and that you have the same work ethic your Dad has.  Do the job God has put before you, and do it well.  Have integrity and don’t be afraid to stand for what is right.  Use the brilliant mind He has given you to create, figure things out, and continue to learn no matter how old you are.  And if God makes you a father this year at the same age he did your Dad…I will be a very young grandma.  J  I pray I am here to see you experience the unexplainable feelings you will have as you start that journey.  You’ll understand us a lot better.   

 

 

Annaliese, you are 22.  The age I was when your Dad and I were married.  From the early days of your life, you’ve been a fighter.  You fought to stay with us when you were just two weeks old, and I will never forget the sound of the machines beeping like crazy as your breathing stopped.  I thank God that we got to bring you home and see you grow.  You endured so much in your young life.  Hospital visits, the first broken bone in our family (ouch!), countless breathing treatments, x-rays, and IVs.  It all made you stronger.   Your tenacity has been a hard thing to balance out at times as you grew…knowing when it was appropriate to stand your ground, knowing when to let go.  I’ve always felt that God would use this part of your personality in a big way, for His purposes.  When you were young, though, it sure was hard to rein in and kept your Dad and me on our knees.  J  I pray that if God has marriage in His plan for you, that the boy he brings to you loves you the way your Dad loves me.  Don’t be afraid to be tender, to allow yourself to be cared for and protected.  Your independent nature may make that hard, but I pray that your heart is open.  You’ve likely finished college by now and are pursuing a career.  I pray that no matter where God puts you, you fight for others, however that looks.  And always, depend on HIM for the strength to keep fighting. 

 

 

Adam, this year finds you at 20, likely right in the middle of your college years.  You may be trying to figure out where God wants you to focus your energies and gifts, and we will be praying for clarity right along with you.  You are quiet, a thinker who surprises us with your observations and insights at times.  We pray that your faith in God is what guides your decisions and pursuits.  We pray that the temptations that you face in your daily life will not overtake you, that you will be strong in your convictions and do what is right.  I hope you still love music and are able to express yourself through whatever instrument(s) you have learned.  I also hope you still have your crazy sense of humor and that you have fun, enjoying these years of ‘freedom’ before the real world calls.  Be kind, be compassionate and love those God places in your path well.  And don’t forget to call your mama…she misses you.  J

 

 

 

Sam, my boy…you’re 17 and in your Junior year of High School.  You’ve probably become the ‘go-to driver’, as your older siblings are gone and you and your sister need to go places, and well, your mom is weary after being a taxi-driver for the past twenty-four years.  J  Samuel, you are such a sensitive boy.  You recognize hurts in others and seek to comfort them.  Your dad has always called you ‘Pastor Sam’ as his nickname for you.  We don’t know if God has shepherding a flock in your future, but we pray that you are open to using this gift in whatever way He wants you to.  You are bright and you love to learn.  Soak up all the knowledge you can, and don’t be afraid to take chances.   Love God, love people, and enjoy being the oldest kid at home for a while. 

 

 

 

Tessa Beth.  Fifteen.  *sigh*  The baby of the family, yet not a baby anymore.  Your first year of high school may be a little scary, but I’m confident we don’t need to draw hearts on your hand before you get on the bus anymore to remind you that I love you throughout the day.  I pray that this year finds you learning more about yourself and the gifts God has given you.  There will be so many opportunities to try new things this year, and I hope you continue to be brave and push yourself beyond what might be comfortable for you.  Please keep singing.  Your voice is precious, and since you were just a little thing, you’ve been using it to sing to Jesus (that and “Let It Go” in 2014…over.and.over).  J  We look forward to seeing you continue to grow and mature over these next few years of high school.  And I promise to try not to cry every time we experience another ‘last’ with you. 

 

 

And You.  My love.  Thank you for not giving up on me when I was ready to give up on myself.  The years the locusts stole from us have been redeemed in some beautiful ways.  I continue to be amazed that you chose me.  You are a constant steadying hand in my life and I love the way you love me and continue to point me to Jesus in the way you live your life.  It’s been a wild (and loud!) ride with the five God entrusted to us.  We are down to two at home, and I probably still worry that we are messing it up.  You’ve been the best Dad to our kids and I appreciate your gentleness and patience with them.  Thanks for working hard to provide for us, and for the sacrifices you’ve made to do so.  It does not go unnoticed by me.  I don’t anticipate we’ll have much extra money in the near future, as we still have two more to put through college and grandchildren (hopefully) in the not-too-distant future.  Forgive the credit card bills when that first one comes…I’m sorry. Those tiny little clothes are still hard for me to pass by.  J 

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Check back next week for my next Tuesday Grace Letter.  The next assignment:  Next weeks Grace Letter will be a love and gratitude letter to someone who has made a difference in your story. A letter of thanks to someone from your past that has changed your tomorrows. Someone who has loved you well and taught you about life. Write them a letter of love and grace.

Be sure to click the link below to be connected to Kara's post and to read other entries. 

 

 

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day has never been one of my favorite days.  Many of the almost 13 years I’ve been a mom have been shrouded by the dark cloud of depression and anxiety.  I’ve messed up.  A lot.  Certainly, Mother’s Day was only for the Good Moms…the ones who had endless patience with their kids, who kept spotless homes and cooked yummy meals every night, who volunteered at the school (or even better, homeschooled!), whose kids never missed homework assignments, and who never yelled, no matter how stressed they were.   A little voice would shoot daggers into my heart – “You’re not good enough.  Remember that one time?  Your kids will never love/respect/appreciate you.  You can’t do anything right.  You are a loser.”   Many Mother’s Days, even including this very one, I would anticipate the day with dread.  I would see or hear my mom friends talk about the thoughtful gifts and cards their husbands and kids got them, and I’d instantly become bitter and envious.  Sure, my husband and kids gave me gifts and cards, but it was because they HAD TO, right?

Last year, I met a new friend though a Thirty-One party I did.  She ended up hosting her own party after that, so I got to know her a little better.  In January, she began blogging, and invited me to join her Facebook group.  I joined, and I scanned her first blog post, but didn’t engage much after that.  I kept feeling a pull to read her posts, but just couldn’t do it, and didn’t understand why.  Last night, it dawned on me.  The name of her blog?  You’re A Good Mom. 

As polar-opposite of a good mom I felt, I decided to go back to her first entry last night and read it again.  As I did, tears started streaming down my face.  Here, in part, is what broke through my heart:

"You're a Good Mom.  Because you need to hear it.  Because I need to hear it.  Because we all need to believe it...of ourselves, and of each other.

I figure that whenever you visit this page, at the very least you will read that title and know those four little words were meant for YOU in that moment...
YOU are a good mom.  

No matter where you are, what you are doing, how you are feeling...
You ARE a good mom.  

No matter what the day has held or the future may hold...
You are a GOOD mom."

 

We live in a culture that is SO competitive when it comes to mothering.  We need to stop it.  We will not do everything the same.  We will not do everything right.  We will make mistakes and we will start over and do the best we can.  (I am totally preaching to myself here, by the way!).  Will you do a favor for me?  This week, find one mom that you can encourage with the words, You’re A Good Mom.  Text it, Facebook it, email it, tweet it, SAY IT.  You may be the only one she hears it from. 

Carrie, thank you (again) for your words to me in that first blog post.  You didn't know the difference it would make five months down the road to this weary mama, but you are a blessing. 

And the rest of you, check out her blog...good stuff there!  :)

I've been Mended...have you?

This is a video post in connection with the release of "Mended" by Angie Smith.  You can purchase your own copy of "Mended" by clicking HERE or HERE.

But first...

Summer is over.  Well, technically, it's not, but the school calendar would beg to differ.  Today, I sent four of my babies out of the nest for another year of learning (the first time I typed that, I accidentally spelled it 'lerning'...good thing they're not homeschooled...).  My eldest, Luke, made the leap from the small pond of elementary school, into the bigger pond of middle school.  Wow, was there ever a lot of anxiety over that!  Panic, tears, frustration...and that was just Mom!  :)  Seriously, he was SO ready and SO excited.  And he had a great first day, only forgetting his lunch bag in his locker at the end of the day.  He's excited about joining a Robotics team that uses Legos to make an entry for a competition.  He wanted to leave a little early to walk to the bus stop this morning so he could 'meet some of the other kids there'.  I'm a proud mama. 
My biggest girl is now a 4th grader, but wasn't nearly as excited about this new year.  You see, she's got a teacher that she's a little intimidated by.  Luke's former 4th grade teacher.  She's a great teacher.  However, when Luke had her, I was in the deepest part of the pit, and I was not the mom I wanted or needed to be.  Luke was having difficulty with a few things, and she didn't go easy on him (which I am glad for).  In Luke's words, she was 'strict'.  In Annaliese's words, "She's mean!".  This girl has been so worried all weekend about this, so last night we had a little talk. 
A: "Mom, what if she only thinks of me like I'm Luke's sister and thinks that she needs to be strict with me?"
Me: "Well, if she's a good teacher, she won't think of you as 'Luke's sister', and she'll treat you like any other student.  She'll get to know you and help you with any areas you might struggle with."
A: "So I'm not Luke's sister anymore?" (a little too excitedly) :)
Me: "No...you're still his sister, but first you're Annaliese."

I started thinking about something after this conversation.  How often do we feel self-conscious about ourselves based on what we think others will think about us?  Or what we think they'll think about the people we associate with (or are related to!)?  To me, the bigger question should be "What does God think about me?"  I may try my hardest to have it all together, to try to be someone I'm not.  But God doesn't care if my house is a mess or if I can't seem to stay on top of the laundry.  He doesn't care if I make perfect gourmet meals for my family or wear a size 6.  He looks at me and says "You're still Amanda, with all your ripped seams and tattered edges. But first, you're My daughter." 

Where have I been?

This may be the first summer I've really faced with excitement and not anxiety.  As I've filled in our various activities on the calendar, I've had a lightness in my heart, an anticipation of making fun memories and enjoying having my kids home for a few months. 

If you know much about me, you know that the past two summers haven't been that pleasant for us.  Two years ago, I was rapidly spiraling downward into the place I call "the pit".  Last summer, I was climbing my way out.  This year, I feel like a different person, and am so thankful for that.

But even in the midst of all this, there is an undercurrent of sadness.  I have been noticing lately how much my kids are changing, how much I seemed to have missed.

Luke, my sweet firstborn, is done with elementary school now.  He's turning into a young man more and more each day.  Where have I been?

Annaliese, my feisty, beautiful girl, is changing so much.  "The" questions are coming at a rapid pace, and I try not to panic when I think of what's around the corner.  Where have I been?

Adam, my shy little man, has broken out of his shell, and has added 3 inches to his frame in the past 18 months.  Where have I been?

Sam, silly Sammy-boy, is entering the world of 'real' school in the fall.  His legs look longer to me, too.  Where have I been?

Tess, my 'almost-3-going-on-13-year-old' is not a baby anymore.  I was looking back at pictures from the past few years, and I don't remember a lot of those moments.  Where have I been?

The sadness comes from this, it seems.  The loss of these years because of the thief called depression - the fog that surrounded every day, week, and month.

I used to beat myself up over the fun we weren't having, telling myself that my kids deserved so much better.  There's nothing I could have done to control that, and I've learned to move forward.  It's not an easy guilt to free yourself from.  But tonight, I found myself reading from Joel 2, and nodding my head in affirmation:

23 Be glad, people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God,

for he has given you the autumn rains

because he is faithful.

He sends you abundant showers,

both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

the great locust and the young locust,

the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]—

my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,

who has worked wonders for you;

never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,

that I am the LORD your God,

and that there is no other;

never again will my people be shamed.

Did you catch that?  All is not wasted.  There are valuable lessons for even my children in what I endured.  And those years will be restored.  I'm still here, able to be fully present in the lives of my kids, and excited to see what is to come. Hallelujah!

Selfish

I'm shocked that it's really been this long since I last blogged.  I guess I feel like I have an ongoing post in my head at all times, but I forget to get it out through my fingers.  :)

Before I get 'deep', I have to say things have been good.  Really good.  Like "I can't believe how happy I am" good.  Yes, there were some days a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling pretty down.  But with a lot of prayer and a few tears, I got through it.  The weather was so dreary, and I think I missed a day of my meds, and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling downward.  The minute I felt 'off', I panicked.  "Oh no.", I told myself, "not again.".  I asked a few friends to start praying, and within a few days, I was back on track.  Phew!  Things are good.  :)

BUT.

There's always a 'but', isn't there? 

I am sick of me.  I'm selfish.  Not in an "I exist, therefore I deserve" way, but a more subtle way.  The "I can't believe all I got was lunch and cards for Mother's Day" way.  I had quite the pity party after reading status updates on Facebook from my friends, joyfully recounting how special the day was.  And why?  Because I deserve so much more?  Why am *I* so special?

Yesterday, I found out that the 4 year old daughter of a former high school classmate was struck by a car and killed earlier in the afternoon.  One day after Mother's Day, this precious little girl left this earth, leaving behind a family who will never be the same. 

It puts things into perspective. 

What makes me a mother is not the accolades, gifts, special treatment, or a 'Day' to be celebrated.  It's the privilege I have (that I often take completely for granted) to watch my five not-so-little blessings grow, for as long as they are on loan to me from the Lord.  It's seeing three of my precious kids on the platform at church, prompting our church body to worship the God that created us.  Watching Tessa do all the motions and sing her little heart out.  Watching Sam be shy and not sing along at all.  Watching Luke stand with a group of his buddies around a microphone and sing praises to our God.  It's smiling when Annaliese asks me, "Mom, can you tell me how I'll find true love like you and Daddy?".  It's my heart melting when Adam tells me that I'm a good 'cooker' as he wraps his arms around me and plants a big kiss on my face. 

I have failed in so many ways at this calling of mine.  The laundry doesn't get folded and put away as often as I'd like.  The piles of clutter don't get put away, they just multiply.  I lose my temper and yell.  But, I am blessed beyond what I deserve...and that is a gift that just can't be wrapped.

JOY-full

Do you ever feel like you're on the verge of tears, but it's because you're so full of joy? I've felt that way for weeks now, and it's been amazing. It has taken me awhile to sit down and write this post. I think part of me was afraid the joy would be short-lived (not that short-lived joy is any less a gift than any other joy!) and I didn't want to post something that wasn't real. I've come to realize, however, that any joy is real JOY, and it should be embraced and celebrated!

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit...You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 92:1 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Right before Christmas, I spent a day with a friend. She has seen me at what I thought was my best, and what was definitely my worst. I shared with her how I'd been feeling and told her that I honestly felt like everything was being restored. My marriage was in a good place, my relationships with my kids were in a good place, friendships that had been splintered were being mended...I really felt like God was making things new. She told me she could tell that was true just by looking at me. Gone were the hunched shoulders, the dull eyes, the sad countenance. Hearing her say that was such a gift! When people look at me, I want them to see Jesus and what He has done in my life...not a poor reflection of His love, mercy and grace. Circumstances of life will not always be what we hope for. We will have trouble in this world...it's guaranteed. BUT, there can still be JOY!

I am discovering a new found joy in almost every aspect of my life right now. God is so good. To think of where I've been and where I am now...it is amazing. I am learning so much about Him and His faithfulness. His gifts to me are so undeserved. I am so incredibly grateful for the husband He chose for me. My five kids (although often a lot of work!) are precious gifts from Him, as well. My extended family, my friends, my church family...anyone who has given a hug, shared a kind word, prayed for our family...I am so grateful. Thank you for loving me for who I am, and for sharing in my joy as I become what God created me to be.

For now, peace

Thanks to those of you who have encouraged my heart after reading my last post. It is good to have this place to work my thoughts out and to receive feedback. Thank you!

One of my friends shared this with me, from the old hymn "Be Still My Soul". Here is the song in it's entirety, emphasis added by my friend:

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-18971.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(And no, my friend...the irony was not lost on me that you sent me a SONG, when singing is the problem!) :)

One thing she said to me was that we think our hands are open to God...for him to give and take away what He deems fit. But, sometimes our hands are not fully open, and we need to give him the GOOD things too...maybe even the very thing we use to praise Him the most. What my friend said that struck me the most was this: "Yet, to give up what I determine to be GOOD and have it replaced with something from His own fullness? That is what I want!!" Can I get an AMEN????

This morning, I was wide awake at 530. I was not ready to leave the warmth of my cozy bed, so I lay there, talking with God (quietly, though...didn't want to wake Jared!). I asked God lots of questions..."Why is this happening?", "When will You heal me?", "Will I ever be able to sing normally again?", "What is the deal with my jaw?", "When am I going to catch a break?". As I asked, I heard Him answer. "I have searched You, Amanda, and I know you...I knit you together in your mother's womb...you are fearfully and wonderfully made...I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...trust Me...I will put a new song in your mouth...a hymn of praise to ME". I can't say that I've ever had an experience quite like this before. It was so peaceful, like I was just letting His words roll through my head, over and over. It reminded me of the way a parent soothes a fussy baby...rocking back and forth, patting their back, lulling them to sleep. And He lulled me back to sleep, my heart peaceful and quiet. When I woke up for good awhile later, it almost seemed like it had been a dream.

I am so thankful to have had that this morning. I will still wrestle with uncertainty. I will still grow very frustrated with my pain. But for now, I have peace.

Am I losing my voice?

As you might remember, I injured my jaw in June. For years I've had some issues with my TMJ, lots of popping and clicking. Sometimes it would pop out of place with a yawn, and I'd work it back in right away. Well, on this particular day in June, I yawned, it popped, but I couldn't get it back in place. I tried for hours, off and on, but nothing worked. After talking to my dentist (my former boss), and trying a couple different maneuvers, I went to the ER. The dr. there referred me to an oral surgeon. After a consultation, I decided to forgo the surgery and try a natural approach first. I've been wearing an orthotic appliance for a couple of months, and it's definitely helped with the pain. I have more opening ability, but still cannot open far. It's a huge challenge to eat sometimes, and now there is a new complication. I can't sing. Well, I can sing, but I can't SING.
Those of you that know me well know that singing is a huge part of my life. I have loved music since I was little. I have been part of our church's choir for several years, taking brief breaks when babies were born, and during the darkest parts of my depression. When we started back up again this fall, I was so excited. God had put a new song in my heart after I climbed out of the pit, and I was so thankful to be able to be part of the group that prompts others to worship our amazing God. When God works in your heart like He has in mine, you can't help but want to share it in a meaningful way...music is my avenue of sharing that.
The past few times I've sung, I've noticed more pain. And today it got worse. I ended up having to leave the service after we sang to ice it.
You might be thinking "so what?". But this is very hard for me. I feel like I just got my song back, and now it's possibly being taken away from me again? How long until this dumb jaw of mine is normal again? When will I be able to eat the foods I enjoy, be able to talk normally without an appliance altering my speech, be able to give volume to my speech without added pain?
I've tried so hard to be patient in all of this...but now I'm scared. I do not want to lose my song. I know I can't really LOSE it, but I need to be able to express myself in this way. Sometimes, cranking up the stereo/ipod/etc and singing at the top of my lungs is the only way to do that...fully express the emotion in my heart. I want so badly to know how long this will take. I know God will teach me something through this, but honestly, I'm tired of being taught! :)

Blessed

I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to blogging! I love to read everyone elses' blogs, but I rarely take the time to sit and update my own. Most of what I would post ends up as a Facebook status (much less verbose!). :)

The end of September saw our first hospitalization for Annaliese in one year. Her last one was in North Carolina last year while we were on vacation, and that one was the fourth in 3 months for her. We're SO thankful for the year she was able to avoid the hospital! This time around, she caught a virus that knocked her down hard with her asthma. We had gone to Urgent Care, but they were unable to get her O2 level up enough, so they sent us to the ER downtown. We knew she'd be admitted, but this time was different. She needed a continuous flow of Albuterol, so they admitted her to the Pediatric ICU. Not something we'd ever experienced before. As always, the staff was wonderful. We are so blessed here in West Michigan with the abundance of readily available, high quality medical care. She needs to follow up with the Pediatric Pulmonologist in a couple more weeks, and we're changing up her asthma action plan a bit. She'll also be starting allergy injections soon, as we found out a few months ago that she is allergic to a LOT of things (mostly environmental).

While we were at the hospital, I realized I hadn't taken my medication for at least a day, most likely two. That, for me, is NOT GOOD. A couple of days later, I spiraled downward very quickly. I felt almost as low as I did back in March, and I was terrified. Through a lot of prayer and encouragement from friends and family, I made it back out of the pit. After talking with my counselor, I realize this was just a 'bump in the road'. I am so thankful it was quick, but it was painful. I felt like I just could not function. I had no motivation to do anything, but kept putting one foot in front of the other. I'm still a bit behind in the housekeeping department, and I have some projects I'd like to tackle, so Jared's mom is coming tomorrow to help us out for the week so I can get back on top of things. One of the main challenges these days has been Tessa the Tornado. She is a non-stop mover, and frequently destroys anything in her path...makes it very difficult to accomplish much. :)

Even though things have been a little challenging, I'm constantly being reminded of all the blessings I've been given. I have a God who loves me and forgives me every time I act in a way that isn't pleasing to Him, who shows me mercy and grace, and who cares about the desires of my heart. My children are healthy (and when they're not, we have access to care that many others in the world do not). I have a husband who loves the Lord, me, and our children (in that order), works hard to provide for our family, and loves me faithfully no matter what. We have extended family that love us and pray for us daily. We have a church family that walks alongside us down every path God takes us. I have friends that hold me accountable for the choices I make, and who encourage me to be the woman God wants me to be. I AM BLESSED!!!!!!! It's so easy for us to say "Why me?" whenever the tough times come along. I know...I've done it MANY times. But I'm choosing now to see the good that comes out of the tough times. And there is always good.

How about you? What has God blessed YOU with?