Am I losing my voice?

As you might remember, I injured my jaw in June. For years I've had some issues with my TMJ, lots of popping and clicking. Sometimes it would pop out of place with a yawn, and I'd work it back in right away. Well, on this particular day in June, I yawned, it popped, but I couldn't get it back in place. I tried for hours, off and on, but nothing worked. After talking to my dentist (my former boss), and trying a couple different maneuvers, I went to the ER. The dr. there referred me to an oral surgeon. After a consultation, I decided to forgo the surgery and try a natural approach first. I've been wearing an orthotic appliance for a couple of months, and it's definitely helped with the pain. I have more opening ability, but still cannot open far. It's a huge challenge to eat sometimes, and now there is a new complication. I can't sing. Well, I can sing, but I can't SING.
Those of you that know me well know that singing is a huge part of my life. I have loved music since I was little. I have been part of our church's choir for several years, taking brief breaks when babies were born, and during the darkest parts of my depression. When we started back up again this fall, I was so excited. God had put a new song in my heart after I climbed out of the pit, and I was so thankful to be able to be part of the group that prompts others to worship our amazing God. When God works in your heart like He has in mine, you can't help but want to share it in a meaningful way...music is my avenue of sharing that.
The past few times I've sung, I've noticed more pain. And today it got worse. I ended up having to leave the service after we sang to ice it.
You might be thinking "so what?". But this is very hard for me. I feel like I just got my song back, and now it's possibly being taken away from me again? How long until this dumb jaw of mine is normal again? When will I be able to eat the foods I enjoy, be able to talk normally without an appliance altering my speech, be able to give volume to my speech without added pain?
I've tried so hard to be patient in all of this...but now I'm scared. I do not want to lose my song. I know I can't really LOSE it, but I need to be able to express myself in this way. Sometimes, cranking up the stereo/ipod/etc and singing at the top of my lungs is the only way to do that...fully express the emotion in my heart. I want so badly to know how long this will take. I know God will teach me something through this, but honestly, I'm tired of being taught! :)

Blessed

I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to blogging! I love to read everyone elses' blogs, but I rarely take the time to sit and update my own. Most of what I would post ends up as a Facebook status (much less verbose!). :)

The end of September saw our first hospitalization for Annaliese in one year. Her last one was in North Carolina last year while we were on vacation, and that one was the fourth in 3 months for her. We're SO thankful for the year she was able to avoid the hospital! This time around, she caught a virus that knocked her down hard with her asthma. We had gone to Urgent Care, but they were unable to get her O2 level up enough, so they sent us to the ER downtown. We knew she'd be admitted, but this time was different. She needed a continuous flow of Albuterol, so they admitted her to the Pediatric ICU. Not something we'd ever experienced before. As always, the staff was wonderful. We are so blessed here in West Michigan with the abundance of readily available, high quality medical care. She needs to follow up with the Pediatric Pulmonologist in a couple more weeks, and we're changing up her asthma action plan a bit. She'll also be starting allergy injections soon, as we found out a few months ago that she is allergic to a LOT of things (mostly environmental).

While we were at the hospital, I realized I hadn't taken my medication for at least a day, most likely two. That, for me, is NOT GOOD. A couple of days later, I spiraled downward very quickly. I felt almost as low as I did back in March, and I was terrified. Through a lot of prayer and encouragement from friends and family, I made it back out of the pit. After talking with my counselor, I realize this was just a 'bump in the road'. I am so thankful it was quick, but it was painful. I felt like I just could not function. I had no motivation to do anything, but kept putting one foot in front of the other. I'm still a bit behind in the housekeeping department, and I have some projects I'd like to tackle, so Jared's mom is coming tomorrow to help us out for the week so I can get back on top of things. One of the main challenges these days has been Tessa the Tornado. She is a non-stop mover, and frequently destroys anything in her path...makes it very difficult to accomplish much. :)

Even though things have been a little challenging, I'm constantly being reminded of all the blessings I've been given. I have a God who loves me and forgives me every time I act in a way that isn't pleasing to Him, who shows me mercy and grace, and who cares about the desires of my heart. My children are healthy (and when they're not, we have access to care that many others in the world do not). I have a husband who loves the Lord, me, and our children (in that order), works hard to provide for our family, and loves me faithfully no matter what. We have extended family that love us and pray for us daily. We have a church family that walks alongside us down every path God takes us. I have friends that hold me accountable for the choices I make, and who encourage me to be the woman God wants me to be. I AM BLESSED!!!!!!! It's so easy for us to say "Why me?" whenever the tough times come along. I know...I've done it MANY times. But I'm choosing now to see the good that comes out of the tough times. And there is always good.

How about you? What has God blessed YOU with?

Groupon

I have been hearing about Groupon for the past several weeks, but didn't really think much of it...until I saw the deal today. $50 at GAP for only $25. Yeah, couldn't really pass that up. :)
The way it works is this: Groupon offers a specific deal each day. If enough people indicate that they want to purchase it, it becomes activated. If not, it goes away. Some of the offers are for local businesses. Others are bigger, like GAP.
If you're interested in signing up, would you consider using my referral link? I can earn $10 for each person that joins by using my name...and that helps a lot with our large family. Click HERE if you'd like to do so. Thanks, and have fun! :)

A few things

What a crazy few weeks we've had! Shortly after my last post, we loaded up the kids and headed out West for a week-long reunion with Jared's parents, siblings, and nephews. It was the first time we've all been together in about 2 1/2 years, and we had a great time. We all stayed at Jared's parents' home in Fraser, CO, just outside of Winter Park. There were 16 of us under one roof for the whole week and it was busy! Our days were filled with playing, swimming, riding bikes, hiking, and chasing kiddos around. The kids were sufficiently worn out by the end of each day and usually went to bed without any complaining. We arrived home Saturday at midnight and have been trying to catch up on things here. It's good to be home.




I've continued to feel pretty good emotionally. God is continuing to work in my heart and make me more dependent on Him. I've had a few lonely days this week, and each time I felt down, He would send someone to encourage me with a phone call or Facebook message. Today I received a package in the mail - a devotional book called "Divine Design" by Sharla Fritz. I won it in a giveaway hosted by my blog friend Cindy Bultema at "She Sparkles". What perfect timing! I can't wait to dig in and start reading. Thanks, Cindy!


Most of you know I started a running program earlier this summer. It's the Couch to 5k program, and I LOVE it! I have never been a runner before. I hated it. When we had to do a mile run around the track in high school PE, I almost passed out. It was torture. And I was 'in shape' then! :) I started week 5 when we left for Colorado, and I was worried about not being able to run out there. I did try, but the altitude made it impossible for me. I decided to jump back in when we got home, and I did day 2 of week 5 on Wednesday. I knew I'd head over to the gym again today to do day 3, but I had NO idea what the workout was going to be. It's usually an alternation of walking/running for a few minutes at a time. The most I've done is 8 minutes of running, and that was just this week. Imagine my surprise when I hopped on the treadmill and loaded the C25k app on my iPod and saw today's workout: 5 minute warm-up walk, 20 minute run, 5 minute cool-down walk. Twenty minutes of running?!?!? With NO walking breaks?!?!? I felt so defeated right away, thinking "there is NO way I can do this". But guess what? I DID IT!!! It was tough, and a few times I could hear myself say "take a break", but I would NOT give in. As the voice prompt on the app gave me my 'how many minutes left' updates, I kept pushing myself. "You are halfway done...10 minutes left", "Five minutes left", "Three minutes left", and finally, "One minute left"...I felt so empowered! As the voice told me "cool-down", there were tears welling up in my eyes. I felt like I had crossed this imaginary finish line and it was exhilarating. Now I know there's still a ways to go in my training. A 5k will take longer than 20 minutes. But I did it...and I am very proud of that fact!

Healing

It’s been awhile! I’ve missed this outlet for my thoughts and feelings, but didn’t feel it was an appropriate time to share them until now. I just re-read my previous post and remember thinking things couldn’t get much worse than they’d been. I was wrong.

Within a few days of that last entry, I was inpatient at a local mental health facility. It was a scary time, but I needed to be in a place where I was safe and could focus solely on myself and getting better. Satan had more than one field day with me during that time. I was consumed with thoughts of worthlessness, anger, resentment, fear. I tried to think of ways I could end my life. That scared me into getting help. The week in the hospital didn’t cure me, but it certainly helped get me on the right track towards healing. I was started on a new medication and learned a lot that week about severe depression and how to live with it. After I was discharged from the inpatient program, I spent a week in partial-hospitalization and continued getting the help I needed. After that week, I was connected with a wonderful counselor at the Christian Counseling Center. My previous therapist was a great person, but wasn’t helping me change my thought processes. My current therapist is a licensed psychologist and has provided me with a constructive environment in which to share my feelings and do the work necessary to heal.

A lot changed for me in the weeks following discharge. It was a difficult and painful adjustment at times, but through a lot of prayer and hard work, I know that I am right where God wants me to be...in HIS hands (where I’ve been all along!), and I’m not fighting it anymore. I spent a lot of time being angry at God. Why would He allow me to be so miserable? Why would He put my family through this? Why, if He were truly good, did He let this happen? The answer to that, I’ve been reminded over and over, is that this isn’t the way He intended things to be! We live in a fallen world. Nothing is perfect. As long as we live in a sinful world, we will have troubles. None of us are immune to them. I look around me and see suffering everywhere... two children in our church who don't have a dad and just lost their young mom, my 35 year old friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, marriages struggling to survive (mine was one of them during the last couple of months), people losing jobs...it’s EVERYWHERE and we are all affected by it in some way or another.

About two weeks ago, I felt as though the cloud had lifted. I had felt this way before, briefly, but not to this extent. I was in church on a Sunday morning, and (as best I could with a still-messed-up TMJ), sang along during the worship service. I hadn’t been able to even sing during these past months...and if you know me, that’s a HARD thing to have ‘taken away’! It felt so good to finally be able to sing the words to those songs and mean them.

I’ve found so much joy in life the last couple of weeks...joy that I thought I’d never feel again. Things are not perfect, by any means, but I have learned how to work through the difficult moments instead of feeling overwhelmed and defeated by them. I’m re-connecting with my kids, my husband, my friends, my church family. I have so missed being ‘present’ in my own life. I am so thankful that God brought me through the storm (and I find it ironic that I used to sing “Jesus Bring the Rain” over and over, and when He did, I was mad about it!). God is good, friends...all the time.

The Long Winter

I have wanted so many times to sit down and write, but I just couldn't do it. So much has happened in the last several weeks, and as much as I wanted, I just couldn't make myself 'go there'. I had so longed for my story to be one of victory and revival, but that hasn't come. I tell myself (and others) that that is ok...I'm not in a hurry for God to work His ways in me. Yet, I find myself calling out like David, "How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. " How long? How long?????

A new season is beginning to announce its arrival with warmer days, more sunshine, and the beginnings of tiny buds on the trees, yet my heart has felt increasingly barren. I have felt hopeless, sleepless, worthless, and restless...I have felt "less" than I should. It seems like the long winter has stretched on in my heart, even as new life springs up around me. Hundreds of things call out for my attention each day, and I feel too inadequate to even try to meet the needs of those around me. These precious kids that I love so much are suffering because of my suffering. My husband, this man I love more than I ever thought I could, is struggling because of my struggling. Tension runs high in our home and I hate it. I hate that this is happening because *I* am sick.

Some changes are coming for me in the area of counseling, and possibly medication as well. It's scary and unsettling. I know I'm not alone. I know my family and friends love me and am humbled by the way they've shown God's love to our family. I know God is there. But I'm scared. How long, Lord? When will this be over? Will it glorify You for me to be set free from this? Will it glorify You more for me to learn to be long-suffering, and patiently learn to live with this as a constant companion? I am so confused. My mind races. I don't sleep. I long for rest. I long for peace. I long for healing. And yet I remember how David ended his plea. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."

Motivated Mama

Most of you know I've been on 'Operation: Clean This House' around here lately. We've gone through each room and pitched a TON of stuff. (In some cases, pitching means donating.) It has felt so good to see the cloud of clutter lift off this house! The whole lower area is staying clean and I feel SO much less overwhelmed. This is a GREAT feeling. :)

One of the things I struggle with is trying to figure out how to keep it all clean without having to clean a whole room each day/every day. Jared has suggested a schedule to me many times, but just the thought of planning out a schedule makes my head spin. Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me THIS link, so I checked it out. Wow...this is just what I needed. The planner has a column of daily chores that need to be done (with cute little boxes to check off when you've done them...love checking off boxes!), and a column of other things broken down throughout the week. For example, each day, there's a box to check for making beds, loading/running/emptying dishwasher (wish there were a box for EACH of the dishwasher steps, but, there's only one, :) ), and doing laundry. In the weekly column, there are chores like making a shopping list, cleaning the toilets, cleaning out your purse, or cleaning a shelf in the fridge. These ones are on a rotating basis so you don't necessarily do these things every week.

When you purchase the planner ($7 if you use the code 'giveaways'), they send you a pdf to download to your computer, then you can print it off however you choose. My friend took hers to a copy store and had them bind it for her. I chose to just print mine here at home, use my 3-hole punch, and put it in a binder.

I can't even tell you how excited I am to do this...and I feel like such a dork for being so excited about it. But this is what I needed...I don't need to re-invent the wheel...I just needed to find a system that would work for me. And I hope this is it. :)