Tuesday Grace Letters #1

Wow, has it been a long time since my last post!  I've had several posts rolling around in my head for months, but never made the time to sit down and get them out.  Thankfully, a fellow blogger issued a little challenge, and I decided to jump in.  Time to dust off the keyboard and do some writing. 

I've never met Kara, but I was introduced to her story by my sister-in-law, who happens to be Kara's youngest daughter's teacher.  I clicked on the post my sister shared, and was immediately taken in.  Kara has walked a path that many women are called to walk, yet has done it with a grace and faith that is rarely seen and shared so vulnerably.  I encourage you to take some time to read Kara's story.  (Note: Have tissues nearby!) 

This week's challenge from Kara is this: "I want to you write a letter of grace to yourself 10 years from today. Include pictures of your life now, but hopes and dreams and fears you have for yourself, your loves, your life in ten years. Speak hopes for love, growth, hopes, and fears. Do what you do best. Write from your heart to the hearts of your loves." 
Obviously, I don't know what the future holds.  Any member of my immediate family may not be here ten years from now.  But it is my hope that we are still together, living this life God has given us, and hopefully, doing it well.  Here is my letter to 2024...

Dear 2024,

When I was a kid, this year seemed impossibly far away.  Wasn’t that science-fiction material?  Surely we wouldn’t still be around, and if we were, we’d be beaming ourselves everywhere we wanted to go, right?  I have no idea what God has in store for my future, but I’d like to talk to those who mean the most to me for a moment. 

 

Luke, my first-born, you are twenty-four.  Yikes.  When I was 24, I was in my second year as a wife and a brand new mama to you.  I knew everything and I knew nothing.  You have always been quick to remind me that you will probably be married by now.  The fact that you wanted to marry ‘young’ made me smile, grateful that the mistakes your Dad and I have made didn’t ruin it for you.  I pray that the woman you choose to spend your life with loves Jesus more than anything (yes, even you!), and that you love, serve and protect her the way your Dad so faithfully has demonstrated in his love for me.  I pray that the vocation you are pursuing is in line with the gifts and abilities God has granted you.  I hope it is something you are passionate about, and that you have the same work ethic your Dad has.  Do the job God has put before you, and do it well.  Have integrity and don’t be afraid to stand for what is right.  Use the brilliant mind He has given you to create, figure things out, and continue to learn no matter how old you are.  And if God makes you a father this year at the same age he did your Dad…I will be a very young grandma.  J  I pray I am here to see you experience the unexplainable feelings you will have as you start that journey.  You’ll understand us a lot better.   

 

 

Annaliese, you are 22.  The age I was when your Dad and I were married.  From the early days of your life, you’ve been a fighter.  You fought to stay with us when you were just two weeks old, and I will never forget the sound of the machines beeping like crazy as your breathing stopped.  I thank God that we got to bring you home and see you grow.  You endured so much in your young life.  Hospital visits, the first broken bone in our family (ouch!), countless breathing treatments, x-rays, and IVs.  It all made you stronger.   Your tenacity has been a hard thing to balance out at times as you grew…knowing when it was appropriate to stand your ground, knowing when to let go.  I’ve always felt that God would use this part of your personality in a big way, for His purposes.  When you were young, though, it sure was hard to rein in and kept your Dad and me on our knees.  J  I pray that if God has marriage in His plan for you, that the boy he brings to you loves you the way your Dad loves me.  Don’t be afraid to be tender, to allow yourself to be cared for and protected.  Your independent nature may make that hard, but I pray that your heart is open.  You’ve likely finished college by now and are pursuing a career.  I pray that no matter where God puts you, you fight for others, however that looks.  And always, depend on HIM for the strength to keep fighting. 

 

 

Adam, this year finds you at 20, likely right in the middle of your college years.  You may be trying to figure out where God wants you to focus your energies and gifts, and we will be praying for clarity right along with you.  You are quiet, a thinker who surprises us with your observations and insights at times.  We pray that your faith in God is what guides your decisions and pursuits.  We pray that the temptations that you face in your daily life will not overtake you, that you will be strong in your convictions and do what is right.  I hope you still love music and are able to express yourself through whatever instrument(s) you have learned.  I also hope you still have your crazy sense of humor and that you have fun, enjoying these years of ‘freedom’ before the real world calls.  Be kind, be compassionate and love those God places in your path well.  And don’t forget to call your mama…she misses you.  J

 

 

 

Sam, my boy…you’re 17 and in your Junior year of High School.  You’ve probably become the ‘go-to driver’, as your older siblings are gone and you and your sister need to go places, and well, your mom is weary after being a taxi-driver for the past twenty-four years.  J  Samuel, you are such a sensitive boy.  You recognize hurts in others and seek to comfort them.  Your dad has always called you ‘Pastor Sam’ as his nickname for you.  We don’t know if God has shepherding a flock in your future, but we pray that you are open to using this gift in whatever way He wants you to.  You are bright and you love to learn.  Soak up all the knowledge you can, and don’t be afraid to take chances.   Love God, love people, and enjoy being the oldest kid at home for a while. 

 

 

 

Tessa Beth.  Fifteen.  *sigh*  The baby of the family, yet not a baby anymore.  Your first year of high school may be a little scary, but I’m confident we don’t need to draw hearts on your hand before you get on the bus anymore to remind you that I love you throughout the day.  I pray that this year finds you learning more about yourself and the gifts God has given you.  There will be so many opportunities to try new things this year, and I hope you continue to be brave and push yourself beyond what might be comfortable for you.  Please keep singing.  Your voice is precious, and since you were just a little thing, you’ve been using it to sing to Jesus (that and “Let It Go” in 2014…over.and.over).  J  We look forward to seeing you continue to grow and mature over these next few years of high school.  And I promise to try not to cry every time we experience another ‘last’ with you. 

 

 

And You.  My love.  Thank you for not giving up on me when I was ready to give up on myself.  The years the locusts stole from us have been redeemed in some beautiful ways.  I continue to be amazed that you chose me.  You are a constant steadying hand in my life and I love the way you love me and continue to point me to Jesus in the way you live your life.  It’s been a wild (and loud!) ride with the five God entrusted to us.  We are down to two at home, and I probably still worry that we are messing it up.  You’ve been the best Dad to our kids and I appreciate your gentleness and patience with them.  Thanks for working hard to provide for us, and for the sacrifices you’ve made to do so.  It does not go unnoticed by me.  I don’t anticipate we’ll have much extra money in the near future, as we still have two more to put through college and grandchildren (hopefully) in the not-too-distant future.  Forgive the credit card bills when that first one comes…I’m sorry. Those tiny little clothes are still hard for me to pass by.  J 

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Check back next week for my next Tuesday Grace Letter.  The next assignment:  Next weeks Grace Letter will be a love and gratitude letter to someone who has made a difference in your story. A letter of thanks to someone from your past that has changed your tomorrows. Someone who has loved you well and taught you about life. Write them a letter of love and grace.

Be sure to click the link below to be connected to Kara's post and to read other entries. 

 

 

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day has never been one of my favorite days.  Many of the almost 13 years I’ve been a mom have been shrouded by the dark cloud of depression and anxiety.  I’ve messed up.  A lot.  Certainly, Mother’s Day was only for the Good Moms…the ones who had endless patience with their kids, who kept spotless homes and cooked yummy meals every night, who volunteered at the school (or even better, homeschooled!), whose kids never missed homework assignments, and who never yelled, no matter how stressed they were.   A little voice would shoot daggers into my heart – “You’re not good enough.  Remember that one time?  Your kids will never love/respect/appreciate you.  You can’t do anything right.  You are a loser.”   Many Mother’s Days, even including this very one, I would anticipate the day with dread.  I would see or hear my mom friends talk about the thoughtful gifts and cards their husbands and kids got them, and I’d instantly become bitter and envious.  Sure, my husband and kids gave me gifts and cards, but it was because they HAD TO, right?

Last year, I met a new friend though a Thirty-One party I did.  She ended up hosting her own party after that, so I got to know her a little better.  In January, she began blogging, and invited me to join her Facebook group.  I joined, and I scanned her first blog post, but didn’t engage much after that.  I kept feeling a pull to read her posts, but just couldn’t do it, and didn’t understand why.  Last night, it dawned on me.  The name of her blog?  You’re A Good Mom. 

As polar-opposite of a good mom I felt, I decided to go back to her first entry last night and read it again.  As I did, tears started streaming down my face.  Here, in part, is what broke through my heart:

"You're a Good Mom.  Because you need to hear it.  Because I need to hear it.  Because we all need to believe it...of ourselves, and of each other.

I figure that whenever you visit this page, at the very least you will read that title and know those four little words were meant for YOU in that moment...
YOU are a good mom.  

No matter where you are, what you are doing, how you are feeling...
You ARE a good mom.  

No matter what the day has held or the future may hold...
You are a GOOD mom."

 

We live in a culture that is SO competitive when it comes to mothering.  We need to stop it.  We will not do everything the same.  We will not do everything right.  We will make mistakes and we will start over and do the best we can.  (I am totally preaching to myself here, by the way!).  Will you do a favor for me?  This week, find one mom that you can encourage with the words, You’re A Good Mom.  Text it, Facebook it, email it, tweet it, SAY IT.  You may be the only one she hears it from. 

Carrie, thank you (again) for your words to me in that first blog post.  You didn't know the difference it would make five months down the road to this weary mama, but you are a blessing. 

And the rest of you, check out her blog...good stuff there!  :)

I've been Mended...have you?

This is a video post in connection with the release of "Mended" by Angie Smith.  You can purchase your own copy of "Mended" by clicking HERE or HERE.

But first...

Summer is over.  Well, technically, it's not, but the school calendar would beg to differ.  Today, I sent four of my babies out of the nest for another year of learning (the first time I typed that, I accidentally spelled it 'lerning'...good thing they're not homeschooled...).  My eldest, Luke, made the leap from the small pond of elementary school, into the bigger pond of middle school.  Wow, was there ever a lot of anxiety over that!  Panic, tears, frustration...and that was just Mom!  :)  Seriously, he was SO ready and SO excited.  And he had a great first day, only forgetting his lunch bag in his locker at the end of the day.  He's excited about joining a Robotics team that uses Legos to make an entry for a competition.  He wanted to leave a little early to walk to the bus stop this morning so he could 'meet some of the other kids there'.  I'm a proud mama. 
My biggest girl is now a 4th grader, but wasn't nearly as excited about this new year.  You see, she's got a teacher that she's a little intimidated by.  Luke's former 4th grade teacher.  She's a great teacher.  However, when Luke had her, I was in the deepest part of the pit, and I was not the mom I wanted or needed to be.  Luke was having difficulty with a few things, and she didn't go easy on him (which I am glad for).  In Luke's words, she was 'strict'.  In Annaliese's words, "She's mean!".  This girl has been so worried all weekend about this, so last night we had a little talk. 
A: "Mom, what if she only thinks of me like I'm Luke's sister and thinks that she needs to be strict with me?"
Me: "Well, if she's a good teacher, she won't think of you as 'Luke's sister', and she'll treat you like any other student.  She'll get to know you and help you with any areas you might struggle with."
A: "So I'm not Luke's sister anymore?" (a little too excitedly) :)
Me: "No...you're still his sister, but first you're Annaliese."

I started thinking about something after this conversation.  How often do we feel self-conscious about ourselves based on what we think others will think about us?  Or what we think they'll think about the people we associate with (or are related to!)?  To me, the bigger question should be "What does God think about me?"  I may try my hardest to have it all together, to try to be someone I'm not.  But God doesn't care if my house is a mess or if I can't seem to stay on top of the laundry.  He doesn't care if I make perfect gourmet meals for my family or wear a size 6.  He looks at me and says "You're still Amanda, with all your ripped seams and tattered edges. But first, you're My daughter." 

Where have I been?

This may be the first summer I've really faced with excitement and not anxiety.  As I've filled in our various activities on the calendar, I've had a lightness in my heart, an anticipation of making fun memories and enjoying having my kids home for a few months. 

If you know much about me, you know that the past two summers haven't been that pleasant for us.  Two years ago, I was rapidly spiraling downward into the place I call "the pit".  Last summer, I was climbing my way out.  This year, I feel like a different person, and am so thankful for that.

But even in the midst of all this, there is an undercurrent of sadness.  I have been noticing lately how much my kids are changing, how much I seemed to have missed.

Luke, my sweet firstborn, is done with elementary school now.  He's turning into a young man more and more each day.  Where have I been?

Annaliese, my feisty, beautiful girl, is changing so much.  "The" questions are coming at a rapid pace, and I try not to panic when I think of what's around the corner.  Where have I been?

Adam, my shy little man, has broken out of his shell, and has added 3 inches to his frame in the past 18 months.  Where have I been?

Sam, silly Sammy-boy, is entering the world of 'real' school in the fall.  His legs look longer to me, too.  Where have I been?

Tess, my 'almost-3-going-on-13-year-old' is not a baby anymore.  I was looking back at pictures from the past few years, and I don't remember a lot of those moments.  Where have I been?

The sadness comes from this, it seems.  The loss of these years because of the thief called depression - the fog that surrounded every day, week, and month.

I used to beat myself up over the fun we weren't having, telling myself that my kids deserved so much better.  There's nothing I could have done to control that, and I've learned to move forward.  It's not an easy guilt to free yourself from.  But tonight, I found myself reading from Joel 2, and nodding my head in affirmation:

23 Be glad, people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God,

for he has given you the autumn rains

because he is faithful.

He sends you abundant showers,

both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

the great locust and the young locust,

the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]—

my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,

who has worked wonders for you;

never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,

that I am the LORD your God,

and that there is no other;

never again will my people be shamed.

Did you catch that?  All is not wasted.  There are valuable lessons for even my children in what I endured.  And those years will be restored.  I'm still here, able to be fully present in the lives of my kids, and excited to see what is to come. Hallelujah!

Selfish

I'm shocked that it's really been this long since I last blogged.  I guess I feel like I have an ongoing post in my head at all times, but I forget to get it out through my fingers.  :)

Before I get 'deep', I have to say things have been good.  Really good.  Like "I can't believe how happy I am" good.  Yes, there were some days a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling pretty down.  But with a lot of prayer and a few tears, I got through it.  The weather was so dreary, and I think I missed a day of my meds, and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling downward.  The minute I felt 'off', I panicked.  "Oh no.", I told myself, "not again.".  I asked a few friends to start praying, and within a few days, I was back on track.  Phew!  Things are good.  :)

BUT.

There's always a 'but', isn't there? 

I am sick of me.  I'm selfish.  Not in an "I exist, therefore I deserve" way, but a more subtle way.  The "I can't believe all I got was lunch and cards for Mother's Day" way.  I had quite the pity party after reading status updates on Facebook from my friends, joyfully recounting how special the day was.  And why?  Because I deserve so much more?  Why am *I* so special?

Yesterday, I found out that the 4 year old daughter of a former high school classmate was struck by a car and killed earlier in the afternoon.  One day after Mother's Day, this precious little girl left this earth, leaving behind a family who will never be the same. 

It puts things into perspective. 

What makes me a mother is not the accolades, gifts, special treatment, or a 'Day' to be celebrated.  It's the privilege I have (that I often take completely for granted) to watch my five not-so-little blessings grow, for as long as they are on loan to me from the Lord.  It's seeing three of my precious kids on the platform at church, prompting our church body to worship the God that created us.  Watching Tessa do all the motions and sing her little heart out.  Watching Sam be shy and not sing along at all.  Watching Luke stand with a group of his buddies around a microphone and sing praises to our God.  It's smiling when Annaliese asks me, "Mom, can you tell me how I'll find true love like you and Daddy?".  It's my heart melting when Adam tells me that I'm a good 'cooker' as he wraps his arms around me and plants a big kiss on my face. 

I have failed in so many ways at this calling of mine.  The laundry doesn't get folded and put away as often as I'd like.  The piles of clutter don't get put away, they just multiply.  I lose my temper and yell.  But, I am blessed beyond what I deserve...and that is a gift that just can't be wrapped.

JOY-full

Do you ever feel like you're on the verge of tears, but it's because you're so full of joy? I've felt that way for weeks now, and it's been amazing. It has taken me awhile to sit down and write this post. I think part of me was afraid the joy would be short-lived (not that short-lived joy is any less a gift than any other joy!) and I didn't want to post something that wasn't real. I've come to realize, however, that any joy is real JOY, and it should be embraced and celebrated!

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit...You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 92:1 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Right before Christmas, I spent a day with a friend. She has seen me at what I thought was my best, and what was definitely my worst. I shared with her how I'd been feeling and told her that I honestly felt like everything was being restored. My marriage was in a good place, my relationships with my kids were in a good place, friendships that had been splintered were being mended...I really felt like God was making things new. She told me she could tell that was true just by looking at me. Gone were the hunched shoulders, the dull eyes, the sad countenance. Hearing her say that was such a gift! When people look at me, I want them to see Jesus and what He has done in my life...not a poor reflection of His love, mercy and grace. Circumstances of life will not always be what we hope for. We will have trouble in this world...it's guaranteed. BUT, there can still be JOY!

I am discovering a new found joy in almost every aspect of my life right now. God is so good. To think of where I've been and where I am now...it is amazing. I am learning so much about Him and His faithfulness. His gifts to me are so undeserved. I am so incredibly grateful for the husband He chose for me. My five kids (although often a lot of work!) are precious gifts from Him, as well. My extended family, my friends, my church family...anyone who has given a hug, shared a kind word, prayed for our family...I am so grateful. Thank you for loving me for who I am, and for sharing in my joy as I become what God created me to be.