But first...

Summer is over.  Well, technically, it's not, but the school calendar would beg to differ.  Today, I sent four of my babies out of the nest for another year of learning (the first time I typed that, I accidentally spelled it 'lerning'...good thing they're not homeschooled...).  My eldest, Luke, made the leap from the small pond of elementary school, into the bigger pond of middle school.  Wow, was there ever a lot of anxiety over that!  Panic, tears, frustration...and that was just Mom!  :)  Seriously, he was SO ready and SO excited.  And he had a great first day, only forgetting his lunch bag in his locker at the end of the day.  He's excited about joining a Robotics team that uses Legos to make an entry for a competition.  He wanted to leave a little early to walk to the bus stop this morning so he could 'meet some of the other kids there'.  I'm a proud mama. 
My biggest girl is now a 4th grader, but wasn't nearly as excited about this new year.  You see, she's got a teacher that she's a little intimidated by.  Luke's former 4th grade teacher.  She's a great teacher.  However, when Luke had her, I was in the deepest part of the pit, and I was not the mom I wanted or needed to be.  Luke was having difficulty with a few things, and she didn't go easy on him (which I am glad for).  In Luke's words, she was 'strict'.  In Annaliese's words, "She's mean!".  This girl has been so worried all weekend about this, so last night we had a little talk. 
A: "Mom, what if she only thinks of me like I'm Luke's sister and thinks that she needs to be strict with me?"
Me: "Well, if she's a good teacher, she won't think of you as 'Luke's sister', and she'll treat you like any other student.  She'll get to know you and help you with any areas you might struggle with."
A: "So I'm not Luke's sister anymore?" (a little too excitedly) :)
Me: "No...you're still his sister, but first you're Annaliese."

I started thinking about something after this conversation.  How often do we feel self-conscious about ourselves based on what we think others will think about us?  Or what we think they'll think about the people we associate with (or are related to!)?  To me, the bigger question should be "What does God think about me?"  I may try my hardest to have it all together, to try to be someone I'm not.  But God doesn't care if my house is a mess or if I can't seem to stay on top of the laundry.  He doesn't care if I make perfect gourmet meals for my family or wear a size 6.  He looks at me and says "You're still Amanda, with all your ripped seams and tattered edges. But first, you're My daughter." 

Where have I been?

This may be the first summer I've really faced with excitement and not anxiety.  As I've filled in our various activities on the calendar, I've had a lightness in my heart, an anticipation of making fun memories and enjoying having my kids home for a few months. 

If you know much about me, you know that the past two summers haven't been that pleasant for us.  Two years ago, I was rapidly spiraling downward into the place I call "the pit".  Last summer, I was climbing my way out.  This year, I feel like a different person, and am so thankful for that.

But even in the midst of all this, there is an undercurrent of sadness.  I have been noticing lately how much my kids are changing, how much I seemed to have missed.

Luke, my sweet firstborn, is done with elementary school now.  He's turning into a young man more and more each day.  Where have I been?

Annaliese, my feisty, beautiful girl, is changing so much.  "The" questions are coming at a rapid pace, and I try not to panic when I think of what's around the corner.  Where have I been?

Adam, my shy little man, has broken out of his shell, and has added 3 inches to his frame in the past 18 months.  Where have I been?

Sam, silly Sammy-boy, is entering the world of 'real' school in the fall.  His legs look longer to me, too.  Where have I been?

Tess, my 'almost-3-going-on-13-year-old' is not a baby anymore.  I was looking back at pictures from the past few years, and I don't remember a lot of those moments.  Where have I been?

The sadness comes from this, it seems.  The loss of these years because of the thief called depression - the fog that surrounded every day, week, and month.

I used to beat myself up over the fun we weren't having, telling myself that my kids deserved so much better.  There's nothing I could have done to control that, and I've learned to move forward.  It's not an easy guilt to free yourself from.  But tonight, I found myself reading from Joel 2, and nodding my head in affirmation:

23 Be glad, people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God,

for he has given you the autumn rains

because he is faithful.

He sends you abundant showers,

both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

the great locust and the young locust,

the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]—

my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,

who has worked wonders for you;

never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,

that I am the LORD your God,

and that there is no other;

never again will my people be shamed.

Did you catch that?  All is not wasted.  There are valuable lessons for even my children in what I endured.  And those years will be restored.  I'm still here, able to be fully present in the lives of my kids, and excited to see what is to come. Hallelujah!

Selfish

I'm shocked that it's really been this long since I last blogged.  I guess I feel like I have an ongoing post in my head at all times, but I forget to get it out through my fingers.  :)

Before I get 'deep', I have to say things have been good.  Really good.  Like "I can't believe how happy I am" good.  Yes, there were some days a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling pretty down.  But with a lot of prayer and a few tears, I got through it.  The weather was so dreary, and I think I missed a day of my meds, and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling downward.  The minute I felt 'off', I panicked.  "Oh no.", I told myself, "not again.".  I asked a few friends to start praying, and within a few days, I was back on track.  Phew!  Things are good.  :)

BUT.

There's always a 'but', isn't there? 

I am sick of me.  I'm selfish.  Not in an "I exist, therefore I deserve" way, but a more subtle way.  The "I can't believe all I got was lunch and cards for Mother's Day" way.  I had quite the pity party after reading status updates on Facebook from my friends, joyfully recounting how special the day was.  And why?  Because I deserve so much more?  Why am *I* so special?

Yesterday, I found out that the 4 year old daughter of a former high school classmate was struck by a car and killed earlier in the afternoon.  One day after Mother's Day, this precious little girl left this earth, leaving behind a family who will never be the same. 

It puts things into perspective. 

What makes me a mother is not the accolades, gifts, special treatment, or a 'Day' to be celebrated.  It's the privilege I have (that I often take completely for granted) to watch my five not-so-little blessings grow, for as long as they are on loan to me from the Lord.  It's seeing three of my precious kids on the platform at church, prompting our church body to worship the God that created us.  Watching Tessa do all the motions and sing her little heart out.  Watching Sam be shy and not sing along at all.  Watching Luke stand with a group of his buddies around a microphone and sing praises to our God.  It's smiling when Annaliese asks me, "Mom, can you tell me how I'll find true love like you and Daddy?".  It's my heart melting when Adam tells me that I'm a good 'cooker' as he wraps his arms around me and plants a big kiss on my face. 

I have failed in so many ways at this calling of mine.  The laundry doesn't get folded and put away as often as I'd like.  The piles of clutter don't get put away, they just multiply.  I lose my temper and yell.  But, I am blessed beyond what I deserve...and that is a gift that just can't be wrapped.

JOY-full

Do you ever feel like you're on the verge of tears, but it's because you're so full of joy? I've felt that way for weeks now, and it's been amazing. It has taken me awhile to sit down and write this post. I think part of me was afraid the joy would be short-lived (not that short-lived joy is any less a gift than any other joy!) and I didn't want to post something that wasn't real. I've come to realize, however, that any joy is real JOY, and it should be embraced and celebrated!

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit...You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 92:1 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Right before Christmas, I spent a day with a friend. She has seen me at what I thought was my best, and what was definitely my worst. I shared with her how I'd been feeling and told her that I honestly felt like everything was being restored. My marriage was in a good place, my relationships with my kids were in a good place, friendships that had been splintered were being mended...I really felt like God was making things new. She told me she could tell that was true just by looking at me. Gone were the hunched shoulders, the dull eyes, the sad countenance. Hearing her say that was such a gift! When people look at me, I want them to see Jesus and what He has done in my life...not a poor reflection of His love, mercy and grace. Circumstances of life will not always be what we hope for. We will have trouble in this world...it's guaranteed. BUT, there can still be JOY!

I am discovering a new found joy in almost every aspect of my life right now. God is so good. To think of where I've been and where I am now...it is amazing. I am learning so much about Him and His faithfulness. His gifts to me are so undeserved. I am so incredibly grateful for the husband He chose for me. My five kids (although often a lot of work!) are precious gifts from Him, as well. My extended family, my friends, my church family...anyone who has given a hug, shared a kind word, prayed for our family...I am so grateful. Thank you for loving me for who I am, and for sharing in my joy as I become what God created me to be.

For now, peace

Thanks to those of you who have encouraged my heart after reading my last post. It is good to have this place to work my thoughts out and to receive feedback. Thank you!

One of my friends shared this with me, from the old hymn "Be Still My Soul". Here is the song in it's entirety, emphasis added by my friend:

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-18971.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(And no, my friend...the irony was not lost on me that you sent me a SONG, when singing is the problem!) :)

One thing she said to me was that we think our hands are open to God...for him to give and take away what He deems fit. But, sometimes our hands are not fully open, and we need to give him the GOOD things too...maybe even the very thing we use to praise Him the most. What my friend said that struck me the most was this: "Yet, to give up what I determine to be GOOD and have it replaced with something from His own fullness? That is what I want!!" Can I get an AMEN????

This morning, I was wide awake at 530. I was not ready to leave the warmth of my cozy bed, so I lay there, talking with God (quietly, though...didn't want to wake Jared!). I asked God lots of questions..."Why is this happening?", "When will You heal me?", "Will I ever be able to sing normally again?", "What is the deal with my jaw?", "When am I going to catch a break?". As I asked, I heard Him answer. "I have searched You, Amanda, and I know you...I knit you together in your mother's womb...you are fearfully and wonderfully made...I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...trust Me...I will put a new song in your mouth...a hymn of praise to ME". I can't say that I've ever had an experience quite like this before. It was so peaceful, like I was just letting His words roll through my head, over and over. It reminded me of the way a parent soothes a fussy baby...rocking back and forth, patting their back, lulling them to sleep. And He lulled me back to sleep, my heart peaceful and quiet. When I woke up for good awhile later, it almost seemed like it had been a dream.

I am so thankful to have had that this morning. I will still wrestle with uncertainty. I will still grow very frustrated with my pain. But for now, I have peace.

Am I losing my voice?

As you might remember, I injured my jaw in June. For years I've had some issues with my TMJ, lots of popping and clicking. Sometimes it would pop out of place with a yawn, and I'd work it back in right away. Well, on this particular day in June, I yawned, it popped, but I couldn't get it back in place. I tried for hours, off and on, but nothing worked. After talking to my dentist (my former boss), and trying a couple different maneuvers, I went to the ER. The dr. there referred me to an oral surgeon. After a consultation, I decided to forgo the surgery and try a natural approach first. I've been wearing an orthotic appliance for a couple of months, and it's definitely helped with the pain. I have more opening ability, but still cannot open far. It's a huge challenge to eat sometimes, and now there is a new complication. I can't sing. Well, I can sing, but I can't SING.
Those of you that know me well know that singing is a huge part of my life. I have loved music since I was little. I have been part of our church's choir for several years, taking brief breaks when babies were born, and during the darkest parts of my depression. When we started back up again this fall, I was so excited. God had put a new song in my heart after I climbed out of the pit, and I was so thankful to be able to be part of the group that prompts others to worship our amazing God. When God works in your heart like He has in mine, you can't help but want to share it in a meaningful way...music is my avenue of sharing that.
The past few times I've sung, I've noticed more pain. And today it got worse. I ended up having to leave the service after we sang to ice it.
You might be thinking "so what?". But this is very hard for me. I feel like I just got my song back, and now it's possibly being taken away from me again? How long until this dumb jaw of mine is normal again? When will I be able to eat the foods I enjoy, be able to talk normally without an appliance altering my speech, be able to give volume to my speech without added pain?
I've tried so hard to be patient in all of this...but now I'm scared. I do not want to lose my song. I know I can't really LOSE it, but I need to be able to express myself in this way. Sometimes, cranking up the stereo/ipod/etc and singing at the top of my lungs is the only way to do that...fully express the emotion in my heart. I want so badly to know how long this will take. I know God will teach me something through this, but honestly, I'm tired of being taught! :)

Blessed

I get so frustrated with myself when it comes to blogging! I love to read everyone elses' blogs, but I rarely take the time to sit and update my own. Most of what I would post ends up as a Facebook status (much less verbose!). :)

The end of September saw our first hospitalization for Annaliese in one year. Her last one was in North Carolina last year while we were on vacation, and that one was the fourth in 3 months for her. We're SO thankful for the year she was able to avoid the hospital! This time around, she caught a virus that knocked her down hard with her asthma. We had gone to Urgent Care, but they were unable to get her O2 level up enough, so they sent us to the ER downtown. We knew she'd be admitted, but this time was different. She needed a continuous flow of Albuterol, so they admitted her to the Pediatric ICU. Not something we'd ever experienced before. As always, the staff was wonderful. We are so blessed here in West Michigan with the abundance of readily available, high quality medical care. She needs to follow up with the Pediatric Pulmonologist in a couple more weeks, and we're changing up her asthma action plan a bit. She'll also be starting allergy injections soon, as we found out a few months ago that she is allergic to a LOT of things (mostly environmental).

While we were at the hospital, I realized I hadn't taken my medication for at least a day, most likely two. That, for me, is NOT GOOD. A couple of days later, I spiraled downward very quickly. I felt almost as low as I did back in March, and I was terrified. Through a lot of prayer and encouragement from friends and family, I made it back out of the pit. After talking with my counselor, I realize this was just a 'bump in the road'. I am so thankful it was quick, but it was painful. I felt like I just could not function. I had no motivation to do anything, but kept putting one foot in front of the other. I'm still a bit behind in the housekeeping department, and I have some projects I'd like to tackle, so Jared's mom is coming tomorrow to help us out for the week so I can get back on top of things. One of the main challenges these days has been Tessa the Tornado. She is a non-stop mover, and frequently destroys anything in her path...makes it very difficult to accomplish much. :)

Even though things have been a little challenging, I'm constantly being reminded of all the blessings I've been given. I have a God who loves me and forgives me every time I act in a way that isn't pleasing to Him, who shows me mercy and grace, and who cares about the desires of my heart. My children are healthy (and when they're not, we have access to care that many others in the world do not). I have a husband who loves the Lord, me, and our children (in that order), works hard to provide for our family, and loves me faithfully no matter what. We have extended family that love us and pray for us daily. We have a church family that walks alongside us down every path God takes us. I have friends that hold me accountable for the choices I make, and who encourage me to be the woman God wants me to be. I AM BLESSED!!!!!!! It's so easy for us to say "Why me?" whenever the tough times come along. I know...I've done it MANY times. But I'm choosing now to see the good that comes out of the tough times. And there is always good.

How about you? What has God blessed YOU with?