Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Long Winter

I have wanted so many times to sit down and write, but I just couldn't do it. So much has happened in the last several weeks, and as much as I wanted, I just couldn't make myself 'go there'. I had so longed for my story to be one of victory and revival, but that hasn't come. I tell myself (and others) that that is ok...I'm not in a hurry for God to work His ways in me. Yet, I find myself calling out like David, "How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. " How long? How long?????

A new season is beginning to announce its arrival with warmer days, more sunshine, and the beginnings of tiny buds on the trees, yet my heart has felt increasingly barren. I have felt hopeless, sleepless, worthless, and restless...I have felt "less" than I should. It seems like the long winter has stretched on in my heart, even as new life springs up around me. Hundreds of things call out for my attention each day, and I feel too inadequate to even try to meet the needs of those around me. These precious kids that I love so much are suffering because of my suffering. My husband, this man I love more than I ever thought I could, is struggling because of my struggling. Tension runs high in our home and I hate it. I hate that this is happening because *I* am sick.

Some changes are coming for me in the area of counseling, and possibly medication as well. It's scary and unsettling. I know I'm not alone. I know my family and friends love me and am humbled by the way they've shown God's love to our family. I know God is there. But I'm scared. How long, Lord? When will this be over? Will it glorify You for me to be set free from this? Will it glorify You more for me to learn to be long-suffering, and patiently learn to live with this as a constant companion? I am so confused. My mind races. I don't sleep. I long for rest. I long for peace. I long for healing. And yet I remember how David ended his plea. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."